She collapses against my chest, and I roll us onto our sides, holding her tightly against me as I softly sing her praises.
That’s my girl. You did so good. I love you. I love you. I love you.
After a few moments of perfect bliss, I get up to clean myself off and find a washcloth for Eleanor. I don’t stop telling her how much I love her as I clean her off, then slide back into bed next to her. She tucks in to me, back to my chest, grabbing my arms and putting them around her, gripping me like I’m the only thing holding her to earth.
“I love you,” she says in a hoarse whisper. I inhale deeply, trying to commit the scent of her shampoo to memory. I don’t ever want to forget this moment, even as I feel the tears dripping off her face onto my forearm. I pretend not to notice, the same way she’s pretending not to notice how my own eyes are leaking into her hair.
We lay like this until her breathing evens out, sleeping peacefully in my arms. I wrap even more tightly around her, willing myself to be grateful for the time I had her instead of regretting the time I won’t.
When I wake up to an empty bed the next morning, I’m not surprised. The pillow still smells like Eleanor, knocking the wind out of me as my very last glimmer of hope is snuffed out. I sit up, throwing the covers off and gripping the edge of the bed, my bare feet not even registering the chill of the hardwood underneath. Hanging my head, I finally break down.
***
Griffin–
This is shitty and selfish, and I’m sorry. I’m shitty and selfish and a coward, and you won’t believe me, but this has nothing to do with you. I promise. I can’t stay here, and I can’t askyou to come with me, and you deserve someone as kind and brave as you are. I’d give anything for it to be me. For what it’s worth, I really thought it could. Please don’t try to change my mind, it’ll just make it worse for us both. I love you more than anything. I’m sorry that wasn’t enough.
–Ellie
“Fuck dude,” David says, wiping tears from his eyes and handing the note to Jack. “Fuck.”
“Yeah,” I say miserably. When I finally dragged myself out of the bed Eleanor left me alone in, I found her note on my bathroom counter. I read it once, then twice, then tucked it away in a drawer. I couldn’t stand to look at it again, to see my name in her handwriting. Or to see the way she talked about herself. I don’t know how it got into my beautiful girl’s head that she’s selfish or unkind when she’s anything but, and it shattered my heart all over again.
I don’t know what made me do it, but the first person I called was Abby. I needed someone who might understand, who might be able to explain it to me. She told me that she’s tried to talk her out of it, to convince her that she can have her dreams and keep me at the same time, but apparently nothing either of us could say could change her mind.
“She’s scared, Griffin,” Abby said, the pain in her voice an unexpected punch to the gut. “I don’t even know what she’s scared of, but I see it when I talk to her. She’s scared and she’s sad, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you think she’ll ever change her mind?”
I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know the answer.
“I don’t know,” Abby whispered. “I’d like to think she will. You mean everything to her, Griffin.”
“Apparently that’s not enough.”
“No. I suppose it isn’t. For what it’s worth, I think she’ll regret it.”
But will she regret it enough to come back to me?
I really didn’t want to know the answer to that one, so I didn’t ask. I just listened to Abby apologize on her best friend’s behalf, and tell me that I can still call her any time.
After murmuring a thank you and goodbye, I hung up the phone and texted Jack and David, then sat in silence on the basement floor, not bothering to turn the lights on as the sun went down.
When they came down the stairs and flipped on the lamps, all I could do was point at the note on the coffee table and hide my face in my arms, like if I could just bury myself deep enough the truth wouldn’t be able to reach me anymore.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” David says, now pacing around the room. “Did she get kidnapped or something? How do we even know this is her handwriting?”
“Stop it,” Jack says harshly. “This isn’t a joke.”
“I never said it was,” David replies angrily. “But there’s no way she just changed her mind and left, just like that. I don’t believe it.”
“Well, she did,” I say with a humorless chuckle. “Just like my mom did. Maybe Hart men just aren’t worth sticking around for.”
“It’s nothing like your mom, Griffin,” Jack says in a gentle voice. “Your mom’s a selfish bitch.”
“No offense,” he adds quickly, and I wave him off. My momisa selfish bitch.
“But Ellie is not, and you know that,” he continues. “She’s confused, and overwhelmed, and probably just as miserable as you are right now.”
