Why do I always do this?
Therapy must really be paying off, because the second the thought crosses my mind I can hear Kelsi’s voice in my head.
“You treat these things like a self-fulfilling prophecy, Eleanor. You think it will hurt less if you can convince people that you’re awful and unlovable before they come to the conclusion on their own. The problem is that neither of those things are true–you are the only one who believes them. But you are unwilling to give people the chance to prove you wrong. You rob yourself of the opportunity to be happy.”
Mental note–email Kelsi to set up a virtual appointment as soon as possible.
I told her, and myself, that I’d stop doing that. And for the most part I have. I’m more honest with my friends, and I’m more honest with myself. But there’s something about being around Griffin that yanks me back to the Ellie who treats self-sabotage like a full time job.
Maybe it’s that he has been so unwavering in his love for me. He is so inherently good and kind that I can’t help but feel small and unworthy around him.
You are the only one who believes those things.
Griffin has never believed those things about me. The one time he even remotely suggested it, right before I went to Boston, he texted me immediately apologizing.
Griffin:I didn’t mean what I said, Eleanor.
Griffin:You’re not selfish or awful. I never should have said that. I wish you’d stop saying it about yourself.
Griffin:I love you darlin’, no matter what.
Back then, I read that text over and over as some sadistic kind of punishment. As a reminder of just how badly I messed everything up. After I started therapy, I read it over and over as a reminder that not even the best person I’ve ever met thinks horribly of me.
Well, he didn’t then. But as my own words from tonight echo through my mind, I can’t possibly fathom how he wouldn’t think that now.
You and me both, Griffin. You and me both.
Chapter 38
Griffin
November, Age 29
“Fuck!”
I slam my fist into the back alley dumpster right as the door slams shut behind Eleanor. I regret it instantly, because I’m pretty sure that I now have some broken fingers to go with a broken heart.
How many times can a Goddamn heart break?
“Fuck,” I swear again under my breath, running my fingers through my hair wildly. What the fuck just happened? How did we go from laughing in the rose gardens to screaming at each other in a parking lot?
Taking a deep, steadying breath, I head back inside to find Jack and David. When I wrench the door open we nearly collide–they must have been coming to look for me. I shake my head at them, then close out at the bar and storm out, blood still roaring in my ears.
“Griffin, wait up,” Jack yells, jogging to catch up to me. “Let’s go back to your place and talk this out.”
“Can’t,” I say bitterly. “Told Madison I’d be over at hers by midnight.”
“No offense dude, but do you really think you should be going to your girlfriend’s house after a public fight with your ex?” David asks breathlessly, coming to a halt next to Jack.
“No offensedude,but it’s none of your damn business.”
“Cut the shit, Griffin.” Jack’s teeth are gritted, words sharp enough to cut glass. “It is our damn business, and you need to cool off before you go anywhere. Let’s just go to the house, and you can rage at us all you want.”
“He’s right.” David’s voice has gone soft and reassuring, and all it does is piss me off more. “We all know that things are over with Madison, and probably have been since Ellie came back. But she deserves better than whatever you’re going to say in this state.”
Well fuck. Heisright. I think I’ve always been one foot out the door with Madison–no matter how hard I tried. “I feel like a jackass,” I spit out harshly. “I wasted a year of her life, just like I’ve wasted nearly fifteen years of mine.”
“Nothing about your time with Ellie was a waste,” Jack says, voice rising. “I get that you’re pissed, but I’m not going to let you talk about her like that. Ellie is the best thing that’s happened to any of us, don’t you minimize that.”
