Wade likes to call her his girl, but the truth is she never has been and she likely never will be. She’s never asked him why he does it or told him to stop. Sometimes he hopes she’ll question him so he can reply with ‘because I wish you were’.
“Well, your girl is ever so grateful. My hero.”
His fingers graze hers between the jail bars, his tone soft for the first time since he showed up. “He did deserve it. Just be careful, okay? A couple inches higher and he could have taken glass to the eyeball. Then you’d have gotten a whole lot worse than a slap on the wrist. I just worry about you sometimes. Don’t wanna lose you to another system.”
“You won’t lose me,” she says. “Couldn’t shake me if you tried.”
* * *
Wade doesn’t stop their journey into the past, plucking a few of their sparse good moments to offer up. He may not remember anything from the time surrounding his abduction, but his mindworks perfectly when it comes to her. He’s more than ready to use the memories he does have to battle what haunts her.
“Do you remember when…”
Chapter 29
You can’t ignore me forever. No getting away this time. I’m in your head. Always with you.
Kara’s woken from a restless sleep by a familiar voice. Harsh and grating, with a bullet wound oozing blood from his temple. She keeps her eyes closed, letting her throbbing head and Wade’s arms around her both serve as distractions.
They’ve stretched out on the sofa like lovers. She’d appreciate it a whole lot more if she wasn’t in the middle of trying to ignore the ghosts of all the people she’s killed.
You missed me? Yeah, you did. Can’t get rid of me now.
This one was an early shot from her sniper rifle, only a few weeks into her new quest, once she realized Silas had Wade. She never even spoke to this man. Never heard his voice. Never gave him a chance to surrender or help. She shot him from two side streets away, perched atop a hill.
It’s not real, she tells herself. One hit on the head or a few days without sleep and her traitorous mind will jump at the chance to manifest her guilt.
Wade’s passed out cold, and she selfishly considers waking him. He’s the only thing that quiets the constant stream of vitriol. She isn’t sure how long she’ll last alone.
He was lying. All those things he said about you. Talking you up like some superhero. Lies. All of it. He just thinks you’ll crack and be an extra burden. Drag him down.
Reluctantly, she lifts her head to peer down at a relaxed Wade who needs his sleep much as she does. She won’t give in and pester him. Nothing he can do anyway. She has to handle this alone, like she does everything else.
Do you really think he could look at you the same again if he knew what you did in his name? If he knew how many people you killed to save him?
She pushes herself up, very pointedly does not look at the translucent man where he’s leaned against the desk in the corner, and moves across the room to check her condition in a worn mirror. Not as bad as she thought. Not great either. Carefully, she tries to put herself back together, wiping at dried blood in her hairline and dirt on her neck, finger-combing wild strands of hair to flatten them.
You couldn’t pay him to fuck you now, looking like this. That’s before he even gets wind of what you’ve done.
“Stop.” She regrets her reply instantly. It’ll only encourage him.
There she is! Why don’t you tell him the tally you’ve kept? Let him see your body count. Tell him about that family you slaughtered.
“That’s not how it happened and you know it. How many families did Silas kill? More than me. How many communities did his men flatten? How many defectors did they leave out for the rotters to tear apart? They couldn’t be reasoned with. I couldn’t just go in and state my case. I never knew there was a child in the building. I never knew. There never had been before.”
Oh yeah? Think that matters? You never asked. You never looked first. You murdered her parents in cold blood. Go on andtell Wade. Give him another burden to carry for you. See if he cares about intention. See if he’s still grateful after he knows what it costs to find him.”
“That’s enough,” she growls, glancing back at Wade, who thankfully hasn’t been disturbed by her current meltdown.
The urge to wake him is so strong she nearly takes a step, but it’s not his job to keep her from breaking. This isn’t what he signed up for. She can handle it.
Do yourself a favor and admit he’ll never want you. How could he? He doesn’t even know the real you. How could you be with him without telling him what you’ve done? You say it doesn’t matter anymore ‘cause it’s been so long but I know better.
She squeezes her eyes shut, pacing the small space between the door as her thumb and forefinger caress the same spot where the hair tie would be.
If he wanted you, he would have done something about it a long, long time ago. All this pining is just pathetic. He only feels beholden to you now because you saved his life.
“That isn’t true,” she whispers quietly, arms wrapped around herself as she stares at the door. “He would understand if I told him the truth.”
