It never worked out with anyone else because he’s always been in love with Kara. Plain and simple. He couldn’t give his heart to another woman.
“Oh. Because of me and you?”
He nods.
“Shit. I knew it. I knew they all hated me. I tried to be kind to them, I did, but I only came between you and—”
Fuck, she’s either willfully ignorant to his true feelings, or just as terrified as he is to lose what they have.
“Ima need you to stop being obsessed with why it never worked out with anyone else, okay? It didn’t because it never could have. I was already in love with….” He’s not high enough to finish that sentence. Not even when she’s watching him like she can’t wait to hear what comes next. Instead, he saves himself from unintentional sabotage by letting the drugs help him reachfor something random. “Hey, what do you think is beyond space?”
She squints, happy to follow him on this pointless journey. “Nothing, because space is forever.”
“Nothing’s forever. Gotta be something past the edge of it, and then something else after that, and so on. Can’t just be infinite space, that doesn’t make sense.”
She opens her mouth before closing it again with an audible click and a frustrated look. “If we’re talking about what comes after, then we gotta talk about what came before.”
“Like what made space?”
“Let’s assume the big bang is how it went down, but what….made the bang go bang? What shoved everything together and formed it all? And how?”
“Whatever that is has to be what comes after.”
“Exactly. Thanks for not suggesting it’s magical, or that god did it. If there is a god out there, he or she has abandoned us, and I don’t want to think about that. Plus, then I have to assume hell is real too, and that’s a rabbit hole that leads to agonizing over where I’ll go after my eventual demise.”
“Not to hell,” he scoffs. “If there even is such a thing. Maybe we’re already in it. What are you talking about, anyway?”
“You don’t know me. I’ve done—”
“You keep saying that, and I still don’t know thethings you’ve done.Whatever you think gets you a one-way trip down there, I’m telling you that’s not true.”
“Oh yeah? How do you know?”
“Because you got the biggest heart,” he says simply, as if it’s common sense. “You care about everyone, even when it hurts. Always trying to sacrifice for the people you love. I dunno if I believe in God. Never did before and don’t have much reason to now. Could go either way, though, I guess? And if it’s true, then there’s no chance you’re not heading right up to those clouds.”
“You think too highly of me, Wade,” she says sadly, throwing his words back at him.
“And I’ll keep doing that. Can we stop talking about dying, though? Depressing.”
She gifts him a shy nod. “Okay. Want to play a game?”
“Hmm?”
She shifts, crossing her legs and sitting in front of him so they face each other. “It’s easy. No weird yoga positions required. First one to break loses.”
“Staring contest? What are you, twelve?”
“Don’t be a spoilsport.”
“Alright, fine. Let’s do this.”
“I’ll warn you, I never lose at this game.”
“Never lose at any game ‘cause you’re a cheating cheater who cheats,” he teases.
“I am not! I’ve never cheated once in my life.” Her words are offended, but her smile is wide enough to show him those pretty white teeth. “Focus. Count of three, right in the eyes. Don’t break.”
Before he knows it, he’s locked in an awkward stare that flares a shiver up his spine. Why did he agree to this? It’s uncomfortable and weird, and he has to struggle to keep from looking away. He’s had a hard time looking anyone in the eye for the last six years. Doing so would have gotten him a fist to the face or some other punishment. He’s made progress recently, but that flushes right down the drain when faced with the unrelenting stare of someone he’s trying to hide from. Not all of himself, just the part that loves her so deeply it’s rooted at the very base of his soul.
