“He was feral not long ago, don’t forget that. He’ll learn how to walk like a normal dog, eventually.”
“Or he’ll take five-hour walks the rest of his life.”
“Or that. In which case, I’m fine with going slow.”
As they make their way through the cobblestone streets, Wade grows agitated. Always looking for a threat and ready for a hit. Every nook and cranny could hold a possible monster and he’s on alert to fight them.
He’s trying, but this only highlights how wrong she was to expect him to go with her in search of Silas. She’s overestimating his progress, only thinking of their moments together alone, and forgetting how quickly he falters in new situations. A walk in a fenced community is enough to make him anxious. She needs to be realistic or she could get him killed out there in a rushed quest for revenge.
“Can I ask you something?” he says.
“Of course.”
“When you think about leaving, going out there to see what’s left, is it…you know, long term? Or would you wanna stop eventually and settle down somewhere? Even come back here?”
She hadn’t expected the conversation to go this direction, but if he wants to think about the future, she’s happy to follow. “I’m not sure. I don’t think I’d want to come back, but I’m not sure I’dwant to travel forever either. There has to be somewhere quiet and safe to just live off the land. Find chickens and maybe a cow…”
“A cow?”
“You don’t like cows?”
“Got nothing against cows. We could have some goats, too. Something for the dog to…chase, collect whatever.”
“Herd? You want sheep?”
He shrugs. “Why not? Wool for sweaters. You could knit me one.”
She laughs, imagining him in some ugly sweater she crafted herself. “I can’t knit.”
“We’d have time to learn.”
“I like the sound of this.” What she likes even more is how he automatically assumes the two of them would be doing all of this together. What she actually replies with is self-deprecating and self-destructive instead, always eager to throw herself under the bus rather than accept what’s right in front of her and risk getting hurt. “Anyway, you’ll get sick of me eventually, so maybe we pick side-by-side plots of land instead of the same one. If we spend too much time together alone on some distant farm, pretty soon, my voice will sound like sandpaper.”
“Who told you that?”
“What?”
He frowns. “That fucker on our doorstep every day?”
It had only been a light statement, but everything has a root. This is no different. She shrugs, unwilling to admit that she is afraid he may leave eventually, like everyone else in her life has, right down to her father, who ate a bullet before she was thrown into foster care, because she wasn’t enough to make him stay. It’s a ludicrous thing to take the blame for, but she has held onto it with a vice grip since the day it happened. “I’m just hard to live with, that’s all. You know that.”
Some part of her worries that he may grow to have regrets. That once they finally settle down, he’ll realize she isn’t exactly significant other material. Never has been.
“We spent a lot of time together already and I’m not sick of you yet. Never felt that way the whole time we lived together growing up either,” he tells her gently. “Maybe you’ll get sick of me. Make me sleep in the pasture with the cows.”
He bumps her shoulder with his own, raising a teasing brow.
“That won’t happen.”
“Are you sure? It won’t be me and Bessie out there on the farm alone?”
“I’ll never get sick of you, Wade. If you’re sleeping with the cows, then I’ll be out there in the pasture with you.”
He goes quiet, chewing at the edge of his thumb in a tell that he’s trying to gather his thoughts. “It won’t always be like this, you know? I won’t be such a mess forever. I’ll get better, eventually. Used to think I couldn’t, but I can see it now. You won’t always be nursing me back to health.”
She hisses through her teeth, cutting him off. “What he said was so far from the truth. Jealousy makes people say terrible things. I’m the one you need to be listening to. When I tell you that you’re not a burden, that this isn’t just about me taking care of you….believe me.”
She hoped he wouldn’t take Luke’s words to heart. Wade is sensitive, and those are exactly the type of comments that would burrow deep.
