She opens an eye again. “You made soup?”
“Yes. Ginger noodle soup. It just needs a little chilli powder and maybe some fresh coriander or parsley if you have some but it’s otherwise ready to go. It’s what my mum always made for me when I was sick. I didn’t really know what else to do, but I wanted to… I wanted to do something.”
Mina sighs. “I can’t eat right now but… but I think I’d like some later.”
“It will taste even better later,” I say with a smile.
“Wait a minute,” Hannah says and waves her hands around. “Are you, like, boyfriend and girlfriend now or something? I thought it was just one date, a one-night thing to make me—”
Hannah cuts herself off and it’s punctuated by a light groan from Mina on the bed. My feet feel bolted to the ground and my chest tightens as I freeze, completely unsure how to answer Hannah’s question.
“Well,” I begin, dragging the word out because I still have no clue what other words I should follow it with.
“If he’ll have me,” Mina mutters from her curled-up position. Her face is only slightly more turned towards me and I can’t even see it fully with how it’s tucked into the pillow and her shoulder, but I see her eyes or rather, one of her eyes. I see it pinned on me, dark and intense.
It’s because I’m studying her face so attentively that I don’t hear her words for many seconds, and even then I think I’ve misheard her.
“Wait, pardon?” I ask, taking a small step forward.
“I’ll be your girlfriend, if you’ll have me,” Mina says and she rolls onto her back so I can see more of her. She straightens her arms by her sides and lifts her hands slightly. “But this is what you’re getting.”
Dizzy with pure delight at her words, I want to drag this moment out forever. I want to bathe in it. I want to have the essence of it embedded in every single one of my cells. But more than all this I want Mina to hear my answer, to know what I say is true. That’s why I take my time, looking her up and down, thinking how cute she looks in her plaid pyjama trousers and then suppressing a chuckle when I see the T-shirt she’s wearing them with is for Blondie, a faded image of a red-lipsticked and blonde-bobbed Deborah Harry on the front.
Her face is paler than usual, her skin sallow and grey-tinged, especially under her eyes, but she’s still so very beautiful. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so beautiful, or perhaps that isn’t the right word. She looks… more vulnerable. More open. More fragile than I’ve ever seen her and I try not to overthink why I should find this so appealing. I already knew that I could grow to love Mina’s tough exterior, her scowls and her biting words, but seeing her soft and delicate like this, I know I could love her like this too.
If she’ll let me.
“Will you let me take care of you?” I ask her. “And I don’t just mean right now. I also mean in the future. Whenever you need it. Maybe also whenever Iwantto take care of you.”
“You say this now,” she croaks, her voice still small and weak, “but it will get old and boring. What if I have attack after attack after attack? What if I’m sick for weeks, months? And then there’s work. What are we going to do about work? Sneak around?
“Mina, don’t worry about work.”
“But Idoworry about work. I haven’t even called them yet and…” She trails off, clearly exhausted and depleted.
I take another step forward so the front of my shins brush up against the bed. But I don’t sit down. I won’t get any closer until she lets me.Ifshe lets me.
“Mina, I want your good days and your bad days. I want your highs and your lows. I want to be with you when you’re sick, and I want to be with you when you’re well. I want to hold your hand when I can’t hold your body. I want to show you I care by leaving you alone when you need that. I want to show you I care by staying close when that’s what you want. I want to pick up the pieces when you can’t. I want to stay by your side for however long you need me, even if that’s days, weeks or months. I want to learn how to…” I swallow, knowing that what I say next is equivalent to cutting my chest open and letting her see how strongly my heart beats for her. “Mina, I want to learn how to love you in a way that makes you feel safe, and treasured, and well, truly loved. Because that’s what I believe you deserve.”
Mina’s eyes are unforgiving as they stay on me, wide and dark, but revealing nothing. Her mouth falls open a little but it’s not quite from shock, rather she’s simply forgotten to close it or her muscles have just remembered how to relax.
It’s only when Hannah coughs, clearing her throat, that I remember she’s still in the room.
“I should… just fuck off,” she says and then she does exactly that, mumbling only a quick goodbye to Mina before closing the door behind her.
“Charlie, I…” Mina shifts so she comes up on her elbows and I almost tell her not to, to stay lying down, but after I’ve just dumped all my feelings on her while she’s having a severe migraine attack it feels a little perfunctory to worry about her well-being now.
“Mina, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that,” I rush out.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re ill. It’s hardly the time and place. I should have said it all to you yesterday, but I also wanted to respect your decision then, your boundaries—”
“And the way I basically told you there was no fucking chance.”
My shoulders sag and my eyes drop to the ground. “Yes, that.”
“Well, I was wrong,” she says.
