I feel my neck elongate a little. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Miko’s eyes are kind as he talks. “When we were together, the three of us, you always… kept a distance from us. It was like you only wanted to know so much about us.”
“Eighty percent of what we talked about was related to work,” Harley adds as she sips her matcha latte. “And anytime we talked about personal stuff, things that happened in our past, you just put it down to our horoscopes.”
A soft laugh escapes Miko’s lips. “Do you remember that time we drove to Phoenix and I talked a bit more about my dad disowning me when I transitioned and they wanted to do his birth chart, like that would help explain why he’s a transphobic fuck.”
Heat peaks in my cheeks. “I didn’t just ask that. I also listened and offered support. Didn’t I?”
“Sure you did. You are a great listener. You’re just not a great talker.”
“What do you mean?” I look at Britney briefly and see her eyes are ping-ponging between me and Miko.
Miko shrugs. “Like I said, you like to keep your distance. And that’s okay. We’ve always respected that.”
Harley places her hand on my knee and squeezes. “We love you, Loncey. We just wish you’d been more open with us whenwe were together. But we understand you had your reasons not to be.”
I pull in a deep breath. What was supposed to be a fun meeting, introducing Miko and Harley to Britney with a view to the three of them possibly collaborating, has somehow turned into a character assassination. Or at least that’s what it feels like.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive. I’ve been feeling more fragile than usual these last three weeks.
These last three weeks since Maeve left...
No. Not going to think about that. Not going to think about Maeve. Especially not when I need to address these accusations coming from my best friends.
Except when I look at Harley, and then at Miko, I don’t see any aggression or ill will. I see my two of the people I care about most in the world, both of them looking at me with eyes full of love.
And then I hear their words. Really hear them. And I can’t argue with a single one. I did used to spend a lot of time on my own. I did often find myself preferring to be alone rather than staying with them. I did hold myself back when I was with them. I still do in some ways. No, many ways.
Isn’t that exactly what I did when I dropped Maeve off at her hotel three weeks ago and then watched her walk away without telling her that she was taking my heart with her?
Pretty much.
And the irony is, since that day, I’ve found being alone haunting and hard, close to impossible. I used to love being alone but now it haunts me, taunts me. Now I crave the very opposite. I crave Maeve.
But now’s not the time to interrogate that.
I clap my hands together, determined to stay in the present moment. “As much as I like having my emotional unavailabilitydiscussed in public, shall we get back on track with why we’re here?”
Harley’s hand squeezes my leg again. “Don’t be pissed.”
“I’m not,” I say, but then soften my voice. “I’m really not. I just want to make sure we don’t get distracted.”
“And I’m super happy to meet you!” Britney bounces a little on her seat, making her pigtails swing. Dressed in a baby pink skirt suit with a lace-collared white blouse underneath, she couldn’t look more opposite to Harley who’s wearing ripped jeans, a vintage leather jacket and biker boots. They’re going to look so good on camera. A flurry of ideas rushes into my brain.
“You know,” I say tentatively. “If you did think that you could all collab together, I’d be down for directing it.”
“Just directing?” Harley arches an eyebrow. “You don’t want to be in it?”
I open my mouth to reply, but Miko is quicker. “Of course they don’t want to be in it. They’re practically retired.”
“I am not.” I reach over and shove them lightly. “I’m still posting every damn day.”
“Yeah, solo stuff.” Miko wrinkles his nose at me. “But I can’t remember the last time I saw another cock or hole in one of your videos.”
Britney blushes in the most adorable way as her eyes quickly scan around us to see if anyone overheard.
“I believe both your cock and your hole were in my last collab video.” I point out, lowering my voice a little.
