“But that was nearly a month ago,” Miko says. “Not that it matters. We all go through dry phases, be it by choice or otherwise.”
A dry phase?Is that what I’m experiencing? I’ve always thought that’s what you call a period of time where you want to have sex but fail to do so. What I’m experiencing… isn’t that.
“I’m just focusing on solo content,” I say. “And also directing. So would you all be up for that?”
“Do you…” Britney tucks her hands under her thighs. “…do you do a lot of directing?”
“I’ve done some,” I say and look at Harley and Miko. “I mean, I’d say I directed some of our scenes.”
“You were always the one with the good ideas,” Miko says as Harley nods.
“Well, I’m game if you both are.” Britney’s eyes fly between Harley and Miko.
“We are,” Harley says after only a quick but very affirmative look from Miko. “But we feel it’s only right we warn you what working with us could mean.”
Britney leans forward, her frown equal parts confused and concerned.
Harley pulls in a deep breath. “I’ve received death threats on and off ever since I started creating content. But they always seem to get worse when I work with other trans creators. It’s only through hiring a lawyer that we managed to get more information about the email’s source code from the threats and now we’ve got a private investigator making some progress identifying who is behind them. But that was all thanks to Miko never giving up,” she flashes a look of love and gratitude at Miko, “Our next challenge will be getting the police to take us seriously. But we’ll cross that bridge. For now, I’m having counseling to help me deal with it all because it was stopping me from living my life. So I just need you to know that working with us may bring similar attention to you.”
Britney’s face is unreadable for a few moments as her big blue eyes linger on Harley.
“Death threats?” she asks eventually.
“Yes, and although I’m inclined to think it’s just some creep at a computer, you never know. You need to be extra careful about your whereabouts going forward.” Harley replies.
“Hide as much information about yourself as you can. Never share your location in real-time,” I offer in addition. “That’s my advice to all content creators.”
Britney’s gaze switches to me and I can’t help but notice a bit of the shine has left her eyes.
“I’ve known I was trans since I was six years old. I’ve had to deal with abuse ever since, so I’m no stranger to hostility.”
Harley shrugs off Miko’s hold on her hand so she can reach over and wrap her fingers around Britney’s. “We get it.” She looks at Miko and me. “We all get that you’ve probably heard it all before, and worse. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep on hearing it. That doesn’t mean you should just expect that kind of bullshit in your life. It is never okay.”
I can’t hold back a proud smile as I watch Harley and Britney look at each other for a long moment.
“So,” Britney says. “Can I think about it?”
“Yes, absolutely. That’s exactly what you should do.” Harley squeezes her hand before releasing.
“But if we do go ahead and do it,” Britney’s voice has a bit more life in it now, “I think I’d really like Loncey to be our director.”
I feel all their eyes on me as Harley nods. “I think we’d like that too.”
And for the first time in exactly three weeks, I feel my heart beat with something like optimism.
But then it stops, because all I want to do is tell Maeve about it. As Miko, Harley and Britney start talking about something else, I slide my hand into my pocket and find my phone. Checking the time on the screen, it takes me milliseconds to figure out what time it is in Dublin, which is no surpriseconsidering I’ve been doing it multiple times every damn hour since Maeve left.
It feels like defeat to message her now, the very first time that I actually feel a little dart of happiness that has nothing to do with her. It feels reductive to tell her about the moment that has me feeling like my future isn’t as bleak as I’ve come to imagine it without her. But I want to share it with her. I want her to know that I’m starting to think directing might be a new avenue of work I will enjoy more. Although what I can’t say is that I don’t want to collaborate with others anymore because nobody’s skin is as smooth or soft or warm as hers. I can’t tell her that the thought of kissing anybody but her flips my stomach. I can’t tell her that I’m pretty sure she took a piece of me back to Dublin with her and I want it back. I want her back.
I can’t tell her that.
I can’t tell her how much I miss her. How much I think about her. How I wonder what she’s doing,howshe’s doing nearly every moment of every day.
Because we haven’t shared any messages since she left. We haven’t even liked each other’s content. We haven’t acknowledged the other one exists. At least not online. But offline, Maeve is all I see, feel, think and breathe.
Just as I’m staring blankly at my phone screen, a notification from one of my astrology apps appears on my screen. I read it and then smile. Looks like the stars have got my back with this one.
I type a quick message.
