She opened the door to the wine bar, and we headed inside, grabbing a table.
After we’d placed our orders, she leaned her arms on the table. “So…do you want to talk about it?”
I crossed and uncrossed my legs. I hadn’t known Alexis very long, but I felt a kinship with her. Maybe it was the fact that we’d both been divorced single moms or that we were career-focused executives, but I’d always found it easy to talk to her.
Even so, I knew I had to tread very carefully. I trusted Alexis, but she was good friends with Jasper’s cousin Nate. Emerson too.
“The short answer? I was scared, and I screwed up.” I swiped away a tear, angry that I was crying in a restaurant.
Jasper and I loved each other, and the idea of not being with him was excruciating. But the idea of going public with our relationship was terrifying.
“It’s hard to accept love again, especially after a toxic ex.”She’d told me a little about her ex in the past, so I knew she got it.
I nodded, raising my glass to toast. We clinked our glasses together.
“How did you get past your fears?” I asked, thinking she seemed so happy with Preston.
“I realized that Preston was worth the risk. I realized that my life was so much better with him, that I was so much happier and my daughter was too.”
I nodded. “Kai adores the man I’m dating.”
“That’s a good sign,” Alexis said. “Think about what you want, not just now, but in five years’, ten years’ time,” Alexis said. “Do you picture a future with this man?”
I didn’t even have to consider it. “Yes.”
“But something’s holding you back?” Alexis offered as the waiter delivered our food.
“Exactly.” I nodded, relieved that she seemed to get me.
She leaned back in her chair. “And that something relates to what you think you screwed up?” When I nodded again, she asked, “Do you think it can be fixed?”
All this time, I’d felt as if I had to choose between my career and love. Between the life I’d built and the security I’d reclaimed and a relationship with an incredible man. But maybe I was looking at it all wrong.
“I—” I hesitated, utensils poised over my plate. “I mean, yes. I know what needs to be done, but I’m scared to take that next step.” For my job. For Kai. For my heart. “When Craig and I divorced, I felt as if I were starting over from scratch. I rebuilt myself and my life, and I…” I shook my head. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t put Kai through that again.” But it would be even worse this time.
If I’d grieved anything after my divorce, it was the loss of the future I’d expected. Not a future with Craig. Just…my future as I’d imagined it. But with Jasper, well, I’d be grieving the loss of him. Because I couldn’t imagine my life—Kai’s life—without him in it.
Jasper had been there for us—both of us—over and over. I couldn’t imagine a better partner for me or a better influence for Kai. Was I really willing to give that up because I was scared about how our relationship would impact my job, not to mention his role in the company?
“Just because your first marriage ended doesn’t mean this relationship will too.”
She was right, but I’d already known that.
I thought about my relationship with Jasper and all the ways he’d shown up for Kai and me. He’d researched celiac disease and gluten-free diets, educating himself so he could be an advocate for Kai. But it was so much more than even that. It was the way he treated us. The way he was there for us—not just when life was fun and easy, but when it was difficult too.
He’d offer to help, but he also respected my boundaries. He stood at my side while I did things for myself. He was my rock.
It wasn’t so much that I feared that I might have to give up my role at Huxley—though that was certainly a huge risk. But even if I kept my job, I worried that I’d lose people’s respect. People would no longer see me for my own accomplishments; they might think I’d slept my way to the top. I cringed, but I also knew that I couldn’t live my life for other people’s approval.
My dad’s diagnosis, all the things we’d dealt with since, was a stark reminder of that. There was nothing more important than time with loved ones. I saw how it pained my mom, watching the man she loved slip away. Jasper was here, and we could be together. Why would I let anything stand in the way of that?
Alexis placed her hand over mine, her rich brown eyesswirling with compassion. “Having to start over isn’t easy. It’s especially terrifying for someone who values financial stability. That said, some of the best things in my life have come out of having to start over. And it’s given me skills and confidence that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.”
Alexis made a good point. Starting over after my divorce had forced me to reevaluate what was important. It had made me realize that I could rely on myself. That I was strong and capable. I’d reinvented myself before, and I should remember that. I should let it instill me with strength instead of fear.
My divorce had been the end of that relationship but the beginning of my new life. A better life. One where I was true to myself.
I ran my dragonfly pendant along the chain. After Jasper had given it to me, I’d researched dragonflies and their meanings. Some cultures said that if a dragonfly landed on you, it meantDon’t resist change. Or even,welcome good fortune and embrace new beginnings.
