I nodded my head. Yes. It was like we were always hiding, then sometimes we got to be ourselves, like in the cabin. Then we went back to being the other selves that the world knew.
It was hard to let the freedom of being our true selves go, but it was also hard to be that naked and vulnerable for too long. Our true selves weren’t used to being let out for long.
Jude put a hand on my shoulder. “Transitions are the hardest part, but being with pack helps. They let us be a little bit of both.Let’s go home and wake everyone up. We’ll bring ice cream. They won’t mind getting up if we come with ice cream.”
I laughed, because it was such a Jude thing to do. It also made me understand him a little bit better. Maybe he wasn’t just the goof ball I thought he was. Besides, I needed to have a conversation with Josh.
The guys were right. Consent was important.
Chapter 5
Thea
By the time we were back near the pack houses, the sun was rising, but Jude still insisted we stop at the big chain grocery. We picked up ice cream, hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream, and all manner of candy for toppings. The only concession Jude made to the fact that it was going to be breakfast time was to buy waffle mix.
When we walked out of the grocery store, the sun was up. I drove back to the house while Jude played on his phone.
When I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the lights on in the house and the door open. It sounded like everyone was already up, too, and it was really freaking early for that. I looked over at Jude, my eyebrows raised.
He held up his phone. “I texted everyone and let them know there was a family breakfast of waffles and ice cream.”
He hopped out of the car, grabbing the bags, and I followed him in. Dexter and Toby were there, although Toby did look like he hadn’t slept yet, so this was probably more like a very late snack after binge-writing all night. Corbin was there with a crow on his shoulder, already heating up the waffle maker and putting bacon on. Atlas was in his dog form, and Aiden was sipping coffee and sitting next to Corbin. I didn’t see Liam and Q, but Iwasn’t surprised. I didn’t really think Q was much of a morning person, so I expected he’d take a little more time to get over here.
Josh and Wilder made their way in then, and I had a moment to wonder if I was supposed to act awkward, or say anything, or do anything, but everyone greeted them the same as usual, and no one made a peep about the evening’s events. Wilder winked at me when Josh was turned around, which was a little odd, but other than that, it seemed like a perfectly typical family breakfast.
The brothers squabbled about stupid shit, most of them chipped in to cook or set the table or make coffee, and at some point Liam dragged a very cranky Q in, who bitched about it being entirely too early for anyone with half a bain to function. Aiden just put some coffee in his hands, and Liam stared at Q adoringly while the man literally hissed at him.
It was loud, sometimes obnoxious, and sometimes super sweet, and that wasn’t just the waffles covered in hot fudge, ice cream, whipped cream, and assorted candy.
Jude was right, though. It did help a little with the weird feelings, because transitions were weird. I never really felt quite right in my skin, and sometimes those between times were the worst.
It was a nice morning, and at some point, I managed to find myself sitting next to Josh on the couch. No one paid us any attention, which was exactly what I was looking for.
“Hey,” I murmured quietly, even though anyone could hear us if they tried.
Josh looked over and smiled at me. “Overwhelmed by all their antics?” he asked softly, seeming to sense I was in something of a mood.
I shrugged. “It isn’t that, exactly…” I trailed off. I wasn’t quite sure how to bring up what I wanted to bring up.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked.
Josh was so sweet. Such a nice guy. I looked at him, thinking about everything we’d been through together. We’d dealt with a crazy ass cult and maybe died (although maybe not—the jury was apparently still out on that one). His abusive ex-boyfriend had been partly responsible for that mess, too.
“Don’t you ever… I don’t know. Aren't you ever mad about what happened?” I asked.
I knew he knew what I was talking about.
“Of course,” he said after a minute, surprising me. “I’m mad about everything that happened. I’m mad that anyone was hurt or in danger, and that my idiot ex was the reason. And, yeah, I’m mad about what he did to me. Sometimes I’mreallymad when I think about our relationship.”
“But you said you didn’t want him dead. When he was injured by the cult, you said that,” I added.
“I didn’t want him dead. I don’t want anyone dying because of me. I don’t want to deal with that kind of guilt,” Josh admitted. “Maybe that’s selfish, but it’s true. And I would feel guilty, since Rick wouldn’t have gotten involved with a cult if I wasn’t dating a hellhound and he hadn’t seen something… strange.”
“So do you wish he was just randomly dead?” I asked. “Do you wish that through no fault of your own he was dead for everything he did to you? For all the harm and pain that he caused you?”
Josh sat back, thinking. We were still talking quietly, but not so quietly as to draw attention. Still, I knew that Wilder was focused in on us. That was okay. It was only right that Wilder be tuned in to whatever his mate was thinking and feeling.
Josh eventually sighed. “No. I don’t wish him dead for anything he did to me. I may hate him sometimes, but mostly I want to heal, and spending all that negative energy on him isn’twhat I need to do to heal. Maybe for some people that would work, but not for me.”
