“Yeah, but you volunteered to go. I can guarantee she sees that as you looking for a way to get away from her. Women are hard to understand, and they don’t always say what they mean. I admit that, but you gotta pay attention to what she’s not saying, young blood.”
“I was just looking for something to occupy my mind. Staying away from her was a thought that never even crossed my mind. I couldn’t stay away from Gina if I wanted to. She got a nigga mind all fucked up.”
“Look, I’ve made the mistake you’re about to make.” Top got quiet for a minute before opening social media and showing me a picture of a beautiful older woman. “Her name is Laura. She was the love of my life.”
“What happened between y’all?”
“I did exactly what you are contemplating right now. We were broke as hell, so I volunteered to go to Iraq on a nine-month deployment. You know, just to make enough money for us to survive. She begged me not to go, even volunteered to get a job, but I didn’t want her to. I was too much of a man to make my woman go to work. I wanted her home, setting the place up for our future kids.”
“So she cheated while you were gone?”
“Hell nah. She was the best woman I ever knew. She was there, waiting for the man she loved to come home, but he never did. The man that came back was different. War is hard on you. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. I came back, but I wasn’t right in the head. I wasn’t fit to be with her. Still, she didn’t leave me. She tried her best to bring me out of the darkness I was in, but the longer she stayed, the more I dragged her down with me. Her father dragged her away, kicking and screaming, after I almost choked the life out of her one night.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t see Top being the kind of man to put his hand on a woman, so I knew there was an explanation. I patiently waited for his before I lost all respect for him.
“I was out of my fucking mind, young blood. She woke me out of my sleep, and I thought she was the enemy. The only thing running through my mind was kill and survive. I still don’t know what snapped me out of it, but I’m happy it did. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I would have took a life so precious.”
“War can fuck you up. You can’t blame yourself for that one.”
“Yeah, but I can blame myself for volunteering. Being called to duty is one thing, but willingly leaving is another. You’re running from something, whether you want to admit it or not. Leaving my fiancée to go chase money will always be my only regret. It was probably why I ended up marrying a woman who cheated on me and took me for everything I had. Karma will get you one way or another. Despite all the accolades, I wished I could go back and change things. I still look at her social media from time to time to make sure life is treating her good.”
“And is it?”
“She’s married with kids now, so you tell me.”
Hearing Top’s story and seeing the pain in his eyes as he told it showed me how stupid I was. I wasn’t used to loving someone, let alone having the person I loved be away from me for long periods of time. Hell, I didn’t even want Gina going home the first night I met her, and I knew I wouldn’t survive losing her for good.
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
Gina
Things were still awkward between Ramel and me. I didn’t go to Nissa’s house the next morning, but I did put him out of his own bedroom. He had been sleeping in the living room on the couch for two nights. I tossed and turned for the second night, barely getting any sleep.
Sleeping alone that first night showed me just how attached to my man I was. I couldn’t even fall asleep without being in his arms. The little in-home separation was hurting me more than it was hurting him. Essentially, I was the only one being punished because Ramel seemed not to mind the couch at all.
I pulled myself from the bed and headed toward the living room. I hated how needy I was, but I wanted to feel my man’s skin against mine. More than that, I wanted to be wrapped in his arms so I could finally sleep peacefully again.
Ramel didn’t even flinch when I slipped onto the couch with him. There were no questions asked as he willingly opened his arms for me to crawl further into. I was happy to know he craved me just as much as I craved him.
“I miss you,” he said before kissing my forehead and then my lips.
“I miss you too.”
“You don’t have to miss me, Gina. I’ll always be wherever you want me to be.”
Ramel pulled my lips to his once again, and I couldn’t wait to give them to him. I missed his lips on mine so badly that it was all I could think about. Being mad at Ramel was hard on me because he truly had become my best friend. Not being able to talk to the one person you wanted to talk to more than anything in the world would always be a different kind of pain. It was a kind of pain that I no longer wanted to put myself through. I needed to end my own suffering.
“Can we go back to the bed now?”
“You the one put a nigga out.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I know how you feel about the people you love leaving you, and I hate that I made you feel like that’s what I was trying to do. Just so we are clear, Gina; I don’t see a life for me that doesn’t have you in it. Any plans I make from here on out will always include you.”
“You know. I’ve been thinking about not even going on tour,” I said, looking more at the ground than at Ramel. I didn’t want to admit I was scared to go on such a big tour. “I don’t think I’m ready, if I’m being honest. Maybe my mother only offered it to me because I’m her daughter, and that’s not how I want to make a name for myself.”
