He came over to her and dried the tears falling silently from her eyes, cradling her face in his hands.
“You are not a desert. You are an oasis. A green valley with a clear spring, full of ripe fruit and a sea of flowers. For me you are a haven of warmth and love. Maybe it will be different for us. I’m willing to take the risk.”
Her eyes rose to his. “Don’t be foolish, Michael. You know it doesn’t work that way. Don’t torment me with a far-fetched hope when I’ve found a measure of peace in accepting my fate. We can have a brief affair, but in the end, we must part ways. You need to marry a woman who can give you children. Someone like Lady Elizabeth, for example, who is young, beautiful, accomplished. And she fancies you. I can see it in her eyes. Why would you want damaged goods like me when you can have any woman you want?”
Real anger rose in him like bitter bile. “Obviously, I can’t have any woman I want, because the only woman I want won’t have me.”
She pulled out of his arms and turned away. “It’s for your own good. One day, when you have a young, beautiful wife, and wonderful, strong children, you will be glad for my restraint.”
“Stop it. Damn it, stop it. I can’t bear to hear you talk like that. I can’t even imagine marrying another woman when I’ve only ever wanted you. Why do you think I haven’t married? I don’t care if we have children or not. I only want you.”
“Your face a few moments ago belied that statement.”
“You are right. I do care.” He looked down, grabbed her cold hands between his. “I had dreamed of blonde little girls with blue eyes and mischievous boys I could teach how to ride. I… took a moment to mourn the loss of that dream. But if you can bear it, then so can I. I’ll come to terms with it. We will come to terms with it. Together. And we already have a child. We have Edward to raise together. If you want more children, we can adopt. As many as you want.”
“You can’t say that!” She shot up from the bench, pacing back and forth, wrapping her arms about herself. “You are a duke, the last of your line, you have the duty to produce an heir for your title.”
He stepped into her path. Holding her by the shoulders. Rubbing her arms to offer comfort. “First of all, I’m not the last of my line. The family tree can produce a few cousins if you shake it. But most significantly, nothing—nothing—is more important to me than loving you. Not my title. Not my duty. Nothing in the world.”
“You say that now. But one day you may regret—”
He stopped her with a kiss. “The only thing I’ve ever regretted in my life is the twelve years we spent apart. The twelve years you were not mine and I was not yours. Whether we produce a baby or not is not going to change my feelings. I would have married you even not knowing if you would ever heal enough to allow me to make love to you. But now… I’ll submit to you and give you my seed every day. Just knowing you carry a part of me inside you and that we are joined in the most primal of ways is the most satisfying thing. Because you may not have realized this yet, but we are meant to be together. Forever.”
“It would be wrong—”
Was it his imagination, or was she softening?
“I would have married you twelve years ago. If we had, the results would have been no different.”
“But back then we didn’t know! Now… It would be unconscionable, irresponsible, selfish even, for us to marry knowing I’m unable to fulfill the primary duty of the wife of a peer of the realm, which is to produce an heir.”
“Call me selfish, then, because I don’t give a damn about the title.”
“You don’t mean that! You are a great duke. You are doing a fantastic job managing your estates, and in parliament, shaping the fate of this country. Don’t think I don’t know about your work in favor of veterans and army reform.”
“I do what I can, but it’s not enough. Even with the weight of my title, it’s but a drop of water in a bucket. It makes no difference. And none of it makes me happy. Only you do.”
“The last time we wanted to marry, disaster struck us and our lives were destroyed. Maybe we are not meant to be together, as much as we wish for it.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“I know nothing of the sort. I know what I want, but does that make it right? Should we take what we want without regard for others? Without a care for our duties and what is right? I reached for what I wanted before, and the results were disastrous. I’m not strong enough to risk it again.”
He had been shot a time or two in his career as a soldier. Her words right now hurt more than a bullet tearing through his flesh. Her words amounted to saying she regretted their relationship. That she blamed it for all the misfortune she had suffered.
And him? Was he being irresponsible and selfish? Didn’t he owe something to the legacy of his father? His sire had been all about duty and honor. If he followed his heart, he would be acting against everything his father had instilled in him. And yet he couldn’t bear to let her go. He could see her already drifting away. Slipping from his fingers, like the last time, and there was not one damned thing he could do to prevent it. Maybe they couldn’t marry, but…
“We could carry on being together.” The suggestion was lame and insulting in the extreme. He couldn’t believe he was suggesting such a dishonorable relationship to the woman he loved. But he needed her. He couldn’t bear to let her go.
But she didn’t react with outrage. She reached out her hand to touch his face. The warmth of her fingers seeped through his cheeks, spreading life to all of him.
“We could indeed carry on for a while, but it needs to have a set end date. Otherwise, I’m afraid we would never stop, and you would never marry.”
He didn’t respond. The truth was blazing in his heart, shining through his eyes. Of course he would never even contemplate marriage to another woman while being with her. She fulfilled every need he’d ever had.
She nodded.
“That’s what I thought. We can carry on with our affair until the guardianship battle is settled. Then I will go back to my estate and you will set out to do your duty and marry an eligible woman.”
