I watch as they move through her front door. I stand at the front window and watch them pull a container of soup out of a paper bag. Cinco spoon feeds her while Hooter picks up some trash around the room.
They take care of her and provide for her like I want to, like something deep inside of me is calling to me to do. I’m jealous of them and what they have with her, what she allows them to have. His words ring in my head. Is it possible that she loves me, but is too scared to allow someone to help her heal her wounds?
No. I shake off the mental image. She said it herself; she doesn’t love me. I can only hope she’ll be happy with him. I guess he’s a good guy after all, so I know she will be.
I say a silent goodbye, and then I turn on my heel and leave.
Chapter Twenty-Two
MacKenzie
Clipped wings
“What are you doing, Mack?” Hooter asks me as he hovers around the room.
“Nothing,” I answer, not making any effort to mask the bitter tone of my voice. “Not one damn thing.”
“You know that man is in love with you,” he says quietly. “He loves you in a way that if you let him walk out of your life, you’ll have nothing left but regrets.”
“Regrets are all I have,” I say angrily.
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” Cinco inserts as he spoons a bite of soup into my mouth.
They’ve been handling me with kid gloves for days, nursing me back to health from the brink of death, but honestly, it would have been more of a kindness if they had just let me go. I was practically dead when they found me, and they should have left me that way, because here, there is no life worth living.
“Yes, it does,” I reply, pushing to sit up. Can’t they see that I’m dying inside? I just need them to let me be. Leave me to my misery.
“But why?” he asks, and I just… snap.
“Look at me!” I scream. “Really look at me. Is this someone to love? Do I look like someone who’s worthy of that man’s love?”
“Yes,” they both answer immediately, and the honesty that rings in their voices only makes me angrier. I’m broken and weak. The only thing he could possibly feel for me is pity, not love.
“Look closer!” I cry. “I can’t fly. I can’t leave my house. And do you know why? Because I’m scared. I’m fucking terrified to go outside. I can’t set foot anywhere near an airplane. In fact, they had to sedate me to come home, because I fucking lost it. So now answer me. Is that someone worthy of a man like Kyle Garrett?”
“Yes.”
“Or maybe,just maybe, I’m doing him a favor,” I keep going, warming to my cause. I need them to understand, I need to make them see it like I see it. “He deserves to live a happy life with someone who’s not so… broken. He deserves to be happy.”
“I think he was happy with you, honey,” Cinco says quietly.
“One day, he’ll be thankful he wasn’t saddled with me,” I reply just as quietly. I can feel the tears well up and burn in the back of my throat. Goddammit I don’t want to cry again. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling so sad and hopeless. I just want it all to end. I want to be numb. Why does everything about Kyle Garrett make me feel?
“I don’t think he feels that way at all,” Hooter says.
“Well, he’ll get over it.”
“But will you?” Cinco asks, and he watches me closely. Too closely.
“No,” I answer honestly. I’ll never get over what happened to me, to us. I’ll never get over Kyle Garrett because someone like that comes along once in a lifetime and he was mine. But then I had to let him go so he could find a way to be happy with someone whole.
“Mack—” Hooter starts, but I can’t let him finish. I can’t let them see how much it hurts to not have Kyle near me. Knowing I could have him if only I asked, but also knowing I’m not worth it and that, when the day comes that he finally realizes as much, it’ll kill me because I won’t have anything left.
“I’m tired,” I interrupt. I can’t hear any more of their arguments. It’s slowly wearing me down. It hurts too much. I don’t want to hurt anymore; I want to be numb. I need to exorcize these emotions so that, eventually, I can feel nothing. That’s one thing I’m certain of, I never want to feel anything again. “I’m going to go to bed. You guys can see yourselves out.”
And then I head up the stairs. Alone. And I swear I hear Hoots say, “Like I said, a fucking idiot.”
And Cinco replies, “Then let’s do something about it.”
