5. Rhett
– In sweats, sipping iced coffee like nothing happened.
– “Idespisecandy corn. But Idolove a good heist.”
– Suspicious because... honestly? Always.
THE FOOTAGE
Jax—who somehow managed to connect the security camera system to his phone (don’t ask)—sends the group a grainy clip at 9:13 AM.
The footage shows:
1:42 AM. The gym is dark. Fog still clinging to the floor.
Suddenly, a tiny silhouette darts across the court. Low to the ground. Stealthy.
It climbs up the vending machine…
Taps a claw on the keypad…
And disappears into the candy chute.
Valor.Nash’s cat.
A moment later, Jax stumbles in, pulls a candy bar from another slot, and says, “Nice job, copilot.”
The Final Report
Perpetrator:Valor the Cat
Accomplice:Jax, unaware but enabling
Motivation:Unknown. Possibly ritualistic. Possibly just hates the concept of “inventory.”
Justice:None. Valor cannot be tried in a court of law and refuses to show remorse.
Mandy’s response in the group chat is succinct:
“Your cat’s a felon, Nash.”
To which Nash replies:
“He’s a free-thinker with refined taste. Also, he’s never stolen garbage candy. That’s performance art.”
Brewer sighs.
Tex posts a meme.
And McCormick, still in the bun suit, just texts:
“Long live the corn king.”
Then adds,
“Going home. I need a shower.”
KINKY KNITTING: The Spicy Sausage Cozy
