Place three pickle slices in a triangle of shame on top. Bonus if they slide off when served.
7. Let Sit (Emotionally and Physically):
Wait five minutes. Not for flavor. Just to think about what brought you to this moment.
SERVING SUGGESTION:
Serve warm with a plastic spoon and thousand-yard stare.
Pairs well with lukewarm electrolyte drink or crushed dreams.
**Warning:** May cause regret, gastrointestinal confusion, or an unhealthy nostalgia for actual field chow.
Rhett’s Culinary Review
Rhett B. Marsh– “Culinary Outlaw. Cheese Romantic.”
Reviewed: Apocalypse Lasagna
Location: BALLS Communal Microwave
Date of consumption: Unclear. Possibly a fever dream.
I don’t throw around five stars lightly, but Apocalypse Lasagna—a dish born of desperation and chili-slicked ingenuity—is nothing short of battlefield brilliance.
Let me paint you a picture:
We’re in the rec room. Nash is muttering about sodium content while heating this majestic beast on a heating pad plugged into a portable battery.
When the lasagna hit the table (read: folding chair), I could smell heat, salt, and preservatives. The saltine crust crunched like the hopes of a junior private on latrine duty. The Chili Mac layer was thick, almost confident, like it knew it was the main character. Then came the mashed potatoes, an emotional curveball I didn't know I needed. Starchy. Soft. Slightly gluey. A mouthfeel that said, “You’re safe now. Cry if you must.”
The jalapeño cheese spread? Exquisite. Tangy, spicy, and unnatural in color, just like my taste in men. And the three pickle slices? Art. The placement eerily resembles the biohazard sign, but I won’t read too deeply into that.
I tasted fear. I tasted friendship. I tasted a faint hint of jet fuel and catharsis.
Would I eat it again? Already did. Had seconds. I named it “Apocal-Zanya Deux.”
Would I recommend it? Hell yes, but only to those who have truly suffered.
Does it pair well with boxed merlot and shame? Deeply.
In conclusion, this dish defies the laws of nature, gastrointestinal logic, and common decency, and for that, I salute it.
5 stars. Would request it as my last meal in the event of court-martial.
Jax’s Culinary Review
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Jax J. – “Hacker for Hire, Survivor, Victim of Culinary Terrorism”
Reviewed: Apocalypse Lasagna
Location: BALLS cafeteria, next to the cursed microwave
Date of incident: Last Tuesday, but it still haunts me
First off, I want to be clear: I love garbage food. I’ve eaten gas station sushi. I once licked MRE peanut butter off a car battery because I lost a bet. I am not a picky eater.
