That said, Apocalypse Lasagna is a hate crime in a bowl.
Let’s break it down.
Presentation:
Visually, it looked like someone stepped on a squirrel and then dressed it up in a Kraft Single for the funeral. The pickle slices on top? What were those? Garnish? Warning labels?
Each one stared at me like it knew what I’d done.
Texture:
If regret were a mouthfeel, this would be it. The saltines were either soggy or razor-sharp, no in-between. The mashed potatoes had the consistency of insulation foam. I bit into a corner and somehow got both hot cheese and cold dread. My tongue still has trust issues.
Flavor:
Imagine licking the inside of a locker filled with gym socks and canned chili.
Now imagine someone shouting “SPICE” in the background while it happens.
The jalapeño cheese spread burned my sinuses but not in a fun way—more like in a ‘my ancestors just flinched’ kind of way.
Aftermath:
I felt emotions I didn’t know I had. I burped twice and saw a vision of my own funeral.
Pharo said my aura dimmed for a full hour.
Side effects may include:
* Cold sweats
* Existential despair
* The urge to call your ex and apologize for everything
I gave it one star because the plastic spoon didn’t break. That’s it. That’s the win.
Final verdict:
Utter trash. If this is what survives the apocalypse, I’ll take my chances with the radiation.
Do better. Or worse. But notthis.
BALLS Charity Calendar Photo Shoot
Location: Basketball Court
“Okay, boys,” chirps Margaret Anne, all floral blouse and clip-on earrings, clipboard in hand. “Smile like you love our veterans and you’ve got nothing to hide under those outfits!”
The Bitches groan in unison.
“I don’t think I can hide anything under this outfit. There’s not enough of it to cover anything else,” West snarks.
Pharo mutters, “Last time I smiled like that, someone got pregnant.”
“This is a human rights violation,” Rhett mutters, already halfway wrapped in a giant red ribbon, a bow precariously stuck to his hip. “I look like a slutty Hallmark card.”
“You look like a blessing,” Margaret Anne says sweetly, patting his cheek.
