Opening her eyes, Alessia knew immediately she had fallenasleep for some time. Looking down, she stared at the quilt, draped over herlegs and chest and smiled.
"So, you're finally awake, I see," Jax's voicedirectly behind her made her jump.
Turning around, she was surprised to see him stretched outon the sofa directly behind her head. On his stomach was Whiskers, also layingon his back with his paws in the air as he played with Jax’s hand.
“How long have you been there?” She asked, turning her stiffbody to face him more.
“Just for a little bit,” his gaze lifted from the tusslingkitten and fixed on her. “You hungry?”
“No,” she wasn’t hungry, despite not having eaten anythingall day.
Letting go of the kitten, Jax let him walk freely across hisabs and up to his chest, taking an interest in a crease of fabric on his shirt.For a few silent moments, both of them watched as the kitten curiously examinedits potential new toy.
Not taking his eyes off the kitten, Jax spoke first."Would you like to lay on the roof and stare at the stars?"
Alessia's heart clenched. Staring at his large hands, shewatched how he effortlessly kept the kitten from the edges of his chest.Alessia couldn't help but recall the feel of those hands as they cradled herface in the store that morning. Or how he called her "baby" andkissed her forehead. It hurt how much she wanted more from him. She wanted morethan just his comfort in a crisis, she wanted his affection at every moment ofthe day. She wanted Jax to want her as much as she needed him.
Not trusting herself to say more, she nodded,"yes."
Using a couple of thick blankets beneath them and a quilt tocover themselves with Alessia laid side-by-side with Jax on the roof. The nightsky was breathtaking like this. Thousands upon thousands of tiny bursts ofwhite glittering dots against the black sky as far as she could see. It wascold out, which only made Alessia even more aware of the six-foot mountain manlying next to her. The warmth from his big firm arm pressed against herreminding her again of the way he shielded her earlier in that hallway. Alessiacouldn’t stop recalling the feel of his lips against her forehead. She knew thegesture was given in comfort, but how she wished it was anything more.
“I had already left the military when I received word thatmy father had died of a heart attack,” his deep voice pulled her back from thevast unknown of the stars and her chaotic growing feelings. Turning slightly,Alessia stared at Jax’s hard profile as he stared ahead to the stars above.“The year before, my mother had died. I wasn’t there for either of them.”
The unexpected deep sorrow in his tone cut through to herheart. Alessia found herself pressing closer against him as she listened.
"The moment I graduated high school, I enlisted,thinking I was going to be a part of some noble adventure for my country. Istayed in the military for nearly ten years. I had only visited my parentsmaybe three times, always making excuses for one reason or another not to visitthem. By the time I received word that my mom had died, I had already growntired of the military life and was ready to come back. I got tired of fightingother people's fights, losing friends, and seeing fucked up shit happen toinnocent people who were pawns in other people's war. I just wanted to gohome," his voice sounded tired. "And when my dad died soon after, Ifelt that I had wasted so much time in my life for absolutely nothing; Idecided to leave the first chance I could get. What I didn't count on wasrealizing that I was no damn good at the regular civilian life. I came backhome, sold my parent's property, and tried to blend in with society. Nothing Idid worked. It felt like I was surrounded by people living in a dream world.People out there," he waved his hand to the sky, "are always talking,fighting, shopping, and always consuming. It felt like the second I was out, Iwanted to go back. Back to the routine and established order of the Army, and Ifelt guilty for feeling that way. It made me feel pathetic."
Alessia could hear and feel the anger in his words as hisbody stiffened beside her. Not daring to say anything, she turned further intohis arm beside her, pressing her face against his hard bicep as her fingersintertwined with his in silent comfort.
“Life inside the military felt as if I was wasting away,” hecontinued. “But life on the outside of it just feels like chaos. The therapistI went to when I got out prescribed me sleeping pills and antidepressants, shewarned me that living a secluded life like this wouldn’t help. Well, she wasright about at least one thing,” turning towards Alessia, his fingers tightenedaround hers. Alessia felt her heart constrict as she met his dark gaze. “Livingalone like this didn’t help with my anger management whatsoever. Hell, it justmade it worse. Never having to deal with anyone and always having thingsexactly my way, just made me more of an asshole. And when life did decide tostop taking people away from me and actually add someone with a sharp tongueand a beautiful smile, I nearly fucked it up.”
The back of her throat tightened as her eyes stung withunshed tears. Wrapping both of her arms around his arm, Alessia buried her facedeeper into the hard muscle of his bicep and shut her eyes.
“I won’t leave you,” she breathed. “Not if you don’t want meto. I’ll…”
She felt his arm flex beneath her as he moved. Reachingacross her, his hand brushed some of her hair from her face. A shiver ranacross her skin.
“I want you…” he rasped roughly as his eyes glittered backat her with determination. “I want you to stay.”
Although his chest hovered next to hers, it felt like anunbearable pressure formed between them, pressing down against her. Nottrusting her voice, all she could do was nod. Every nerve in her body was stillvery aware of his blunt fingers, resting just behind her ear from where hepushed back her hair. The radiating heat from his touch teased at the sensitivestate her body was in, Alessia could feel her nipples stiffen underneath herclothes as a tingle of heady energy hummed through her body.
Slowly, Jax’s head tilted as he felt the shiver run throughher body, his half-lidded eyes passing up and down her form as if watchingripples in a pond.
The hand still holding hers tightened before tugging hers ashe sat up. “Come on, let’s go back inside.”
Alessia didn't want to go. She wasn't done staring at thestars and she certainly wasn't ready for this moment between them to end.Reluctantly, she followed him down the ladder, conscious of his hands spanningher waist to guide her down. Neither one of them spoke as they walked backinside. The nameless intangible tension that existed between them for days nowfelt like a living entity. Like a third person taking space between them,someone or something either one refused to acknowledge. Standing awkwardly bythe sofa, Alessia warred with herself to say something—anything to Jax, who hadhis back to her in the kitchen. Both of his long arms were braced wide toeither side of him on the counter's edge, unknowingly flexing his triceps. Shehad heard him click on the burner under the tea kettle when they came insideand knew he was making her a cup. She wanted to tell him that she liked him,but no matter how she played the confession out in her head, there was noscenario that Jax wouldn't turn around and just laugh at her blurted childishconfession.
Sitting with a sigh on the sofa, Alessia waited as he handedher a cup of tea. Not sure what to say, she gave him a hesitant smile as shethought of something else to break the ice.
"Do you want to go to the winter festival Barbaramentioned at the grocery store today? It's supposed to snow this weekend, butthat didn't stop them last year."
The question caught her off guard. Blinking, Alessiareplayed the question over again in her mind taking note of his friendlyawaiting expression.
What an idiot she has been! The unbearable tension that shethought existed between them was just wishful thinking on her part. Feelingherself deflate a little at the realization, she slouched in her seat a bit.Moments ago, she nearly confessed her love to a man who obviously was not onthe same page as her. Jax was just offering his friendship and a shoulder tocry on, nothing more.
Returning the smile, Alessia tried to keep the sigh from hervoice as she nodded. “Sure, I would love to go.”
~*~
