“I want you to understand something, Joss. Although I know it can’t change the past, I need you to know that I never wanted to leave you.”
I stiffen at his words. How can he say that to me? If he hadn’t wanted to leave, he wouldn’t have.
He must see my apprehension because he holds a hand up. “Wait, please, let me finish. Your mom—she was so angry at me, rightfully so, for cheating and wanting to be with someone else. But I never wanted to leaveyou.” He emphasizes the word, and my body locks up at the implication.
“I wanted to figure out a way to share custody of you. I even offered to take you full time. She told me she’d ruin me, my reputation, and destroy me in court if I even tried.” He hangs his head, bringing a hand up to the back of his neck. “I was too much of a coward to fight for you then, so I left. And asthe years went by, my cowardice only got worse. I was too afraid to see you and be met with the hate in your eyes—as would be your right. It was easier to stay away.”
“You wanted to take me with you? You wanted me?” I barely whisper the words as I stare at the table in front of me. This changes everything, and also nothing. I feel his warm hand over mine and lift my gaze to see his face.
“I always wanted you. I’m sorry I was too spineless to fight for you.”
That sob from earlier comes back, and I don’t bother holding it in this time. I have to pull my hand from his so I can cover my face. I could have had a relationship with him all these years…
“How could Mom do this?”
“I won’t make excuses for her, but I know she was angry with me, and she probably figured you’d be better off without me as well. She wouldn’t even cash the checks I sent for you, not wanting a single thing that would tie us together. I eventually stopped sending them and put it all in your trust instead.” He looks heartbroken.
“But she listened to me cry myself to sleep for weeks and weeks after you left. She saw the way your leaving affected me. She let us live in those terrible places. God…” I look around the room, glad that it’s not crowded. Less people to witness my breakdown. The server’s eyes glance toward our table and quickly away—clearly having no desire to get in the middle of it either. “I’ve been afraid to trust anyone not to abandon me for sixteen years, all because she was a spiteful bitch.”
“Joss. I-I’m sorry.”
I shake my head, trying to make sense of all this new information, to make it fit together with the life I lived, with all the things I believed to be true all these years.
“Joss,” he starts, the word filled with such sadness but also something that sounds like love. “If you believe nothing else I tell you today, believe this. I have always loved you and wanted you. My leaving never had anything to do with you. You deserved better than what your mom and I ever gave you.”
I take a minute to absorb his words.He loves me. He always did.
“Why wasn’t I enough for you to stay?” I can’t make myself look at him, but I hear his broken sob and know that he’s just as much of a mess as I am over this.
“Oh, sweet girl. It was never that you weren’t enough to keep me, it was that I wasn’t strong enough to stay. I’m sorry I made you doubt that. Joss, please…”
I look up, knowing my makeup is surely wrecked now, and wish that I could hide away from him, from the world, for a while.
“Youare why I’m here. Not your mother, not even because of the trust. Just you. I couldn’t go another day of my life without seeing you, without trying, without at least telling you how much I love you and want you in my life.”
The click of my heels on the sidewalk is the only sound penetrating my mind as I walk back to my building. I feel emotionally drained. Physically drained too after my five a.m. wake-up to surf. Theconversation with my dad left me with so many things to think about. How could Mom cut me off from him without giving me a chance to be a part of that decision? She let me hate him when we could have had a relationship this whole time.
Before I know it, I’m exiting the elevator and approaching Wes’s door. I want to walk straight inside, into his arms, but I need a few more minutes to process everything on my own. I let myself into my apartment and slump against the door. Taking a deep breath, I let the smell of home calm me.
My apartment feels strange with so many of my things over at Wes’s place. My room feels different too, cold and quiet. We fell so easily into sharing his space, like it was meant to be ours. The way our two homes melded into one was nice, and now I find myself craving the comfort and rightness of that space more than this one.
I slip out of my dress and shoes, groaning in pleasure as I stretch my feet. Those heels were not my best idea in conjunction with my choice to walk to and from dinner. Wes’s hoodie is on my bed, where I left it earlier. I’ve worn it almost nonstop since I walked out of his apartment yesterday, needing some semblance of connection to him even as I was pushing him away.
And Iwaspushing him away. I realize that now. I’ve known from the very beginning that his being here was temporary, that he would go home eventually. I created special boundaries just for him, yet over these last few months, he’s done a good job of dismantling them piece by piece. I never stood a chance, and then this whole fake relationship thing obliterated all that was left.
It opened us up to think of each other differently—at least for me—and now where are we? Attracted to each other, closerthan ever, and still with a looming end date. But now I know how he tastes, how his body moves over mine, how it would feel to be his. Really his. It was simple to pretend with each kiss that he wanted what I wanted, with each touch that we could be more to each other. But all I’ve really done is leave myself vulnerable to have my heart broken. It’s become more complicated than I could have possibly imagined.
The words he exchanged with my dad float to the surface of my mind.
I’m glad she has someone like you in her corner. She deserves someone who loves her like you do.
Yes, she does.
Wes was never interested in a relationship. Love has always been out of the question for him, and yet his words contradict that at every turn. The things he says, the way he is with me, I’d love to believe that they mean more than they do. But if I do and he still leaves, then I’m just the stupid girl who fell for the guy who as good as said he’d never love her.
Jaz’s words are what I hear now.
I think Wes might be worth the risk.
