“She knew?” Rory’s shocked proclamation fills the cab of the Land Rover.
“Yeah, they both knew. I talked to Grandad after I got violently ill in my washroom.” The betrayal stings anew. Theirs, Avi’s… I feel betrayed by everyone right now. “Why the hell didn’t they say anything, Rory?”
“I don’t know. I’m so sorry.” She takes a breath and then very calmly and carefully asks, “Have you talked to Avi, confirmed this?”
“Yeah. He’s mine.” I blow out a breath and snap my eyes shut. I leave out the part about how I yelled at her. “Ten years, Rory. I’ve had a son for ten years and had no idea.”
“So, ten years means…” She trails off, and I know what it is she wants to ask but isn’t sure how to.
“She got pregnant when we were seventeen.” I answer her unspoken question.
“Right. Okay, and then she just never thought to tell you?” She’s doing her best to stay subjective, but I can hear her indignance under the surface.
“Pretty much. I didn’t really give her a chance to explain before I left. I’m so mad, Rory, but I’m also sad, and… scared? I have a kid. What am I supposed to do with that knowledge?”
“Where are you now?” she asks.
I listen to the raindrops on the sunroof for a minute before answering. “On theferry.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know… I can’t actually leave.” I might want to. My instinct for self-preservation is kicking in and I know I could go straight to the airport, get on an airplane, and never look back. But doing that at seventeen didn’t do me any favors and it won’t fix this. I can’t do that to Gran and Grandad either. As mad as I might be, I can’t.
“Does he know who you are?”
“Lennox?” I ask. Christ, I hadn’t even thought about that.
Doeshe know who I am? No, I don’t think so.
“Yeah, Lennox.” Rory’s voice goes soft around his name like it’s something precious.
“I’m not sure, but I don’t think so based on our interactions over the past few days. He was surprised to find out my name was Jameson, like his middle name. That’s how this all got started. And god, I just bolted. Left him standing there with Gran. He’s probably so confused.”
Fuck. Well, that makes two of us.
“Do you want to tell him?” Rory’s gentle voice is back.
I shake my head, then nod, and then remember she can’t see me. “Yes. No. I don’t know. He has this whole life with Avi and her parents and now there’s me, on the outside. I don’t even live here, not really. I never planned to stay forever. I don’t know what Avi wants—”
“I’m not asking what she wants,” she snaps, cutting me off. “Sorry. But I’m asking whatyouwant. This is your life, your son. You should have been part of the decision years ago, you deserve a say in how this goes now.”
“I don’t know how to be a dad, Rory. I don’t have siblings. Other than spending time around Willow last winter, I’ve hardly been around kids sinceIwas one. And being cool Uncle Jamie is very different to being a dad.”
“I don’t know anything about being a mom either, but I’m going to figure it out when Willow and Breck get here next month. No one knows how to be a parent until they are one. It’s all trial and error.”
“But you’re amazing with her, a total natural. And you also have a partner who actually wants you to fill that role and be part of their family. Avi and I are practically strangers at this point. Doesn’t sound like a recipe for successful co-parenting to me.” I inhale sharply. “Fuck. Co-parenting… That sounds daunting. Do I even have a right to try and parent a kid I don’t know?”
The overwhelming feeling of panic begins to build again as my breathing shallows and my eyes blur.
“Jamie, take a breath, okay. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. It sounds like you and Avi have a lot to talk about still. But if you want this—a relationship with your son—I can promise you right now that he’ll be lucky to have you. He’ll be the luckiest kid in the world to know you, because you’re an amazing man.”
“Thanks, Roars. I needed to hear that. I’m just really freaking out.”
“That’s understandable. Now, do you want me to click buy on these tickets? I can be there tomorrow if you need me to be.”
I smile for the first time in what feels like years. “You’re the best, you know that? Let’s wait on pushing the button. Let me get my bearings and I’ll keep you posted.”
“Okay. And for what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a great dad if you want to be. The rest of it can be figured out as you go. I love you.”
