“Why?” His gaze searches mine but I look away, my own heartbreak from that moment rising again as if I’m still sitting in the airport.
“Because I knew I was about to ruin your entire life and I-I couldn’t do that to you.” The words are a whisper between us, but I know he hears me because he drops to his knees in front of me, wrecked by them.
“What are you talking about, Avi?” His words are just as quiet as mine. A whisper. A prayer. A plea for me to explain. I feel the pressure of his hands on either side of me on the couch, caging me in… almost offering support but without actually touching me.
“The day I almost got on that plane?” I look up into his beautiful eyes and wish I didn’t have to say these words. “It was the day you announced your book deal.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Avonlea – Six Years Ago
Why are airport seats so uncomfortable? You’d think with the amount of time people spend sitting in them they’d put more effort into making them suck a little less. The metal armrest digs into my side because I’ve got my legs pulled up and my arms wrapped around them. I’ve tried every imaginable position to get comfortable, but it’s proving impossible.
I haven’t been away from Lennox for more than a day or two since he was born and the separation from him feels like I left a piece of my own heart behind. But an international flight with a four-year-old, by myself, sounded worse. And considering what I’m flying to America to do, I thought it might be best if I left him with my parents.
I figure it’ll be less of a shock for Jamie if I tell him on my own rather than showing up with Lennox in tow and saying “hey, here’s your son I didn’t tell you about.”
This is going to be a disaster.
But if four years with Lennox has taught me anything, it’s that he’s amazing and worth knowing. Jamie deserves that chance. He always has, but he was in college, he was living his best life… Something I only know because I follow him from a dummy account and have watched it all play out from the shadows.
Now, he’s graduated, and somehow that feels like a turning point.
My flight is set to board in fifteen minutes and considering I can’t get comfortable enough to let my brain rest, I pull my phone out and decide to torture myself a little. Why not go ahead and immerse myself in Jamie’s world now that I’m one step closer to seeing him for the first time in five years.
I don’t even have to type his name in on the search bar when I click on the app. His most recent post is front and center on my feed the second it opens.
It’s a blue background with a white square full of text in the middle.
Words stand out but my brain can’t seem to link them all together.Publisher’s Marketplace.Deal Report. Journals of Elsewhereby Jameson L. Murray.Major deal.Multi-book deal.For publication.
I feel myself smiling even though I don’t fully understand what all the words mean or who all these people listed at the bottom are.
He got a book deal.
I tap on his caption and read his words:
The adventure begins. I had no idea when I started writing this book that it would bring me here. I dreamt of it but never believed it would happen. Yet here we are, and I still feel like I need to pinch myself to prove that it’s real. But it is. The adventure fiction novel I’ve been lovingly pouring my heart into for the past few years is going to be published, along with two additional books to complete the series. Is this my life?
Yes, Jamie, it is your life. A tear tracks down my cheek and rolls across my still-smiling upper lip into the corner where I can taste it with my tongue. I click on the new profile handle he tagged after the caption, @authorjamesonlmurray, and take in his profile pic. A brand-new headshot I haven’t seen before. His hair is tousled slightly on top—it’s a true auburn now, less fiery than ever—and his glasses are perched on his nose, framing his beautiful green eyes. The ones he gave his son.
My heart sinks.
I’m still smiling for the boy who was my best friend, but hot tears begin to fall in earnest because I know now I won’t be seeing him tomorrow like I planned. I won’t be seeing him at all.
He has everything he always wanted and I refuse to be the one who rips that away from him. For years I kept this secret for my sake—too afraid to tell him and have him reject me again. I wasn’t strong enough to take that on. But now…
Now I’ll keep this secret for his sake. So he can have that life and not be faced with a decision he has no idea even exists.
It’s been nearly five years, but I still love him, even if I might wish I didn’t, and I won’t take away his dream when he’s only just had it handed to him.
The gate agent’s voice comes over the intercom with a boarding announcement and I barely register the words. I continue to stare at the boy who’s become a man while tears roll down my cheeks. I ignore the stares from those milling around me as they line up to board a plane I will never set foot on. The space around me clears and a gate agent finally approaches me with a wary look.
“Ma’am?” the man asks, his discomfort over my tear-streaked face and watery eyes palpable. “Are you on this flight? I’m about to close the door.”
“No. You can close the door.”
As far as I’m concerned, that door closed the second I saw his deal announcement.
