Chapter thirty-five
Rosenna
Standinginthesilence,my mind replayed his words over and over and over.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you-
I’m not capable of love.
“Beckham,” I whispered, tears springing to my eyes as he placed the keys in my palm, still caressing my face with his other hand.
“You don’t know what it’s been like. To live a life with no emotions. To not feel when I was sad. To not understand how others could be happy… to not understand how to grieve when my mother passed away.”
Tears fell down from eyes as I held back a sob. His thumb wiped my tears as he continued.
“I painted you to understand you, Flower. I wanted to know who you were and why you immediately had an effect on me the moment I laid eyes on you. You’ve done something to me, Rosenna, something I can’t explain. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been more agitated, why seeing you all of a sudden brings the best out of me, why my heart aches when you’re away. It’s because you made me finally able tofeel. You made me feel possessive, angry, happy, sad. You made me want to hold onto those emotions so I can bring out the best in you. I didn’t know what to live for before, and my art was a way to cope with that, but now? Now, I find myself only wanting or caring to live for you.”
He spoke beautifully, and I couldn’t help the sobs that escaped my chest.What could I even say?I wanted to run into his embrace, accept all that he’d given me, and live the life I wanted with the man I grew to love.But what was stopping me?Why couldn’t I find it in me to respond to him in a way that would show how much I cared for him?
He was breaking the cycle.He was making me face the reality. I could no longer live behind the excuse of being blackmailed or coerced into our sessions. He didn’t have to tell me he was giving me an ultimatum. I knew it myself before I even stepped foot in here.Him or Gavin.
Why was I even debating this choice? Why couldn’t I let go of my emotionally abusive husband? I fell out of love with him, right? I was ready to move on with my life, right? I was ready to break the twisted cycle that led me to Beckham for the last few months… right?RIGHT?!
As I looked up into his eyes shamefully, my insecurities guided my next words as I held back a sob. “Beckham… I-I can’t,” I whispered.
He immediately furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?”
I shook my head. “It’s too soon—” I tried to reason, but he cut me off.
“Whatis too soon?”
“All of this, Beckham! None of this was supposed to happen. We weren’t supposed to fall for one another. This wasn’t part of our agreement,” I cried as his hand slowly lowered from my face, leaving me cold.
I didn’t know what was coming over me. Maybe it was the guilt, maybe it was the shame… but I couldn’t help but think of Gavin and the vows I’d made to him. I probably should have thought of that at the beginning of my affair, but we were always in the heat of the moment, in the midst of passion and desire. Now, things were getting serious as we were getting deeper than I would have ever imagined.
“You think I asked to fall in love with a married woman, Rosenna?”
I let out something between the mix of a chuckle and a sob.
“So now, all of a sudden, you care about that fact? You’ve never cared about my relationship with Gavin. You pulled me away from him—”
“You fucking let me because you weren’t happy,” he practically seethed, and I scoffed.
“Let’s not forget I was also desperate! I needed you to keep my businesses afloat. And God, I wanted affection and attention so badly that I was desperate enough to fall for a man who couldn’t love me.”
He narrowed his eyes at me again. “So it comes back to this, huh? If I knew you were going to use this against me, I would have never said anything about it.”
“You told me you have no emotions—”
I flinched as he raised his voice in anger. “Dammit, Rosenna, I know what the fuck I said!”
“And I’m supposed to believe I’ve cured you somehow?” I questioned as he shook his head.
“Do you think you’re not worth loving, Rosenna? Is that it?” I averted my gaze from his rage-filled eyes. “Do you think you don’t deserve to live the life you want because you keep living for your shitty husband… Or is it that you think thatIjust can’t love you? That I won’t be able to give you everything like I said?”
