Caidyn’s eyes shift between my tear-stained face and the guard’s grip on my arm three times before he stands to his feet. “I take it you weren’t raised with a father figure present?” he says after hitting the guard with a vicious glare I didn’t know he had in him. “Because nomanI know would touch a woman like that.”
With an amused grunt, the guard shoves me into Caidyn’s chest. His aggression has me worried what the female half of Wallens Ridge encounter day in and day out. Maddox can protect himself. I don’t see the female equivalent of Wallens Ridge being able to say the same thing.
“It’s fine,” I assure Caidyn when the guard’s mocking grin doubles the tick of his jaw. He’s as worked up as Maddox was, making me wonder if tonight’s moon will be full. “I’m fine. Let it go.”
Caidyn is usually the one dragging my unwilling ass into the parking lot.
Today, I’m dragging him out.
We make it twenty-five miles away from Wallens Ridge when the hurt in my chest is too painful to ignore. “Did you know Maddox’s final appeal was denied this morning?”
Caidyn swings his eyes from the road to me before jerking up his chin. “Owen called while you were in with Maddox. It doesn’t mean anything. We still have options. I’m doing a ton of cash jobs right now, and you’ve… got… your… thing.”
His last four words are spaced by annoyed breaths. He knows I’m recruiting fighters for my uncle, but he has no clue how deep down the rabbit warren I’ve burrowed. His confusion is understandable. I’m not even one hundred percent sure what my uncle does with the men I recruit. Living with your head in the sand is sometimes easier than facing a truth head-on. It’s less painful. More tolerable.
Mistaking the disgusted expression crossing my face as worry, Caidyn squeezes my hand. “We’ll get there, Demi…eventually.” His last word is a whisper.
“If I increase my contracts to five a week, that will shave…” I pause to do a quick mental calculation.
Caidyn beats me to it. “Two years off the clock.” He sounds as disheartened as me. I learn why when he says, “It’s encouraging, but I don’t see it being feasible. You’re already running low on candidates. Almost every boxing gym in Florida has been weaned of fighters.”
“Then, I’ll expand my horizon. Go further out. We have options.”
Options.That seems to be my solution for everything these days, which is odd considering it literally means a thing that is or may be chosen.
Nothing happening is via my choice. I wouldn’t have picked any of this. But regretfully, we have to live the life we were handed. There’s no second choice and no better option.
Sighing, I request Caidyn to pull over at an all-night pharmacy coming up on an exit ramp.
He signals to turn before asking, “Do you need to pee?”
I shake my head. “My ankle is killing me. I need to fill one of my pain medication prescriptions.”
I hate how easy it is for me to lie these days. The pain I’m experiencing isn’t anywhere near my feet. I just can’t tell Caidyn I want to numb the hurt in my chest with a medication the ER doctor demanded I only take when completely necessary.
My ankle may not believe it’s vital, but my heart most certainly does.
I wait for Caidyn to pull into a spot in front of the pharmacy before asking, “Did you want anything?”
When he shakes his head, I peel out of the Jeep. It isn’t overly hot today, but I’m sweating like a woman in the middle of a change of life. I guess, in a way, that’s true, and just like menopause, this change isn’t my choice either.
After filling my prescription and paying for a bottle of water, I head to the washroom to calm the redness on my cheeks with some water. I’ve barely splashed my cheeks when a text message pops up on the screen of my cell phone. I sigh in gratitude when I spot who it’s from. Sloane and I have hardly spoken since our argument in the alleyway three weeks ago. I don’t even know where she’s staying. I’m assuming at her parents’ place, but since I wrongly believe all the world’s problems are on my shoulders, I haven’t sought a better answer.
It makes me a terrible person who is unworthy of the promising verse in her message.
Sloane:They muddy the water to make it seem deep –Friedrich Nietzsche
I understand what she’s saying and appreciate she is still trying to give me hope even while angry at me, but it makes the heaviness on my chest crippling.
Murky waters don’t just make the water appear deep. They also hide what’s beneath.
That’s what I’m worried about the most. The hideous underbelly both Maddox and I are ignoring because we forever use love as an excuse. I’m sending hundreds of men to their deaths so I can free one man from incarceration. How I ever thought this would be okay is beyond me, but I can’t stop now. Maddox is barely holding on. If I give up, he will soon follow.
I can’t let that happen. We’re a team. We play on the same field. I just need to find the strength to keep going—a strength I stumble upon when I accidentally take two painkillers instead of the recommended one. The buzz it gives me doesn’t make me immune to the carnage. It merely weakens the weight on my shoulders by a smidge, freeing me to continue fighting as I have the past seven and a half months.
I’ve walked into the dark. Now I need to find the light on the other side.
13
