“Cal?” I said again. I hastily grabbed my glasses so I could see what the hell I was doing before taking his wrists and gently tugging them down to reveal his face.
The dark was my friend, and I could see him in better detail. Calvin’s eyes were bright with tears, his cheeks wet, and his hair a mess. He looked old. He looked vulnerable and broken. It made me realize that receiving the Medal of Honor and countless other awards issued by the police department and military did not make him invincible.
“I couldn’t save them,” he whispered. “There was so much fucking blood. I couldn’t—I couldn’t reach them.”
I was sitting on my knees in front of the bed, staring up at him. It hurt to see this, hurt like nothing I’d ever experienced. I pulled him down, and Calvin slid off the bed. He sat on his knees in front of me, clinging fiercely and hugging me so hard that I could barely breathe.
I rubbed his back. “You’re safe,” I insisted.
“I let them die,” Calvin cried.
I moved my hand up to his head and gripped his hair. “No. Don’t think that. Please don’t.”
“I let that little boy die.”
I maneuvered Calvin back enough so I could hold his face in my hands. “Calvin,” I whispered. “Everything’s going to be okay.” I didn’t know what else to do or say, and it was scary.
It was terrifying.
He was starting to calm down, though. Calvin wasn’t shaking anymore and was wiping his eyes dry.Thismust have been the issues he didn’t want to burden me with. How many nights a week did he wake up alone in utter fear and panic? Was he getting help?
“Calvin?” I asked quietly.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, avoiding eye contact. “I didn’t think this would happen tonight. I’m just… stressed.”
I wasn’t sure what to do or say. I didn’t want to set him off again. “Can you stand?” I asked. He nodded after a beat, and I helped him to his feet. “How about you go take a quick shower to cool down? Do you have clean sheets?”
“What?” He looked back at the bed, realizing he must have sweat so much I needed to bring it up. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. Don’t worry.” I gently pushed him toward the bathroom. “Go take a shower.”
I waited until Calvin shut the bathroom door behind him and the water turned on, then went to the closet and felt around for a bit before finding folded bedsheets and pulling them out. I quickly remade the bed, tossing the old sheets in the hamper as Calvin came out of the bathroom, wet and naked. He changed into a clean pair of pajamas before sitting on the edge of the bed.
I crouched down in front of him. “Can I get you something?”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” he muttered.
“Please don’t apologize.”
“Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
“I thrash around. I don’t mean to.”
“Cal, I’m okay,” I insisted, not bothering to bring up the fact he had actually hit me pretty hard in his sleep.
He rubbed at his jaw in an agitated manner.
“Do you… need to talk about anything?” I asked quietly. “You can trust me, if you need to get something off your chest.”
“No,” he immediately answered.
“Calvin—”
“No, Sebastian,” he said again, harder. “I’m not—I don’t want to talk about it.” Calvin’s voice got thick again, and he covered his eyes with a hand.
I got up and sat beside him on the bed. “All right, all right. You don’t have to.” I reached over, took his free hand, and linked our fingers together.
