He gripped my hand hard for several minutes. His hold eventually began to loosen as he seemed to mentally talk himself down from whatever ledge of memories he was looking off.
“Have you seen a doctor?” I asked quietly. My answer was silence, so I took it as ano. That worried me. “What about a VA hospital? They’re trained to help with this sort of thing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Calvin retorted angrily. “Seb. Please, just—stop.Please.” He still held my hand and turned to look at me.
I’ll be honest, it scared the shit out of me knowing that Calvin was suffering from some pretty intense PTSD that was apparently untreated, but it was the middle of the night and not the appropriate time to argue about seeing a doctor.
“Do you want to try to get some more sleep?” I asked. When he didn’t respond, I leaned around him to set my glasses down again and lay back on the bed. “Cal, come here.”
He obediently turned and lay down beside me, putting his head on my chest and wrapping himself around my body. I tugged the comforter back over us, and we were both quiet. I petted his head for a long time, and eventually his breathing evened out and I allowed myself to chase after sleep with him.
THE NEXTtime I woke, I wasn’t on the receiving end of a punch to the face, which was nice. It was still dark out, but I could tell from the subtle change in light through the closed blinds that it was about time to get up.
“Morning,” Calvin grumbled.
“You’re awake already?” I asked before yawning.
He grunted.
“Did you sleep much?”
“A little,” he agreed after a moment. He rolled away and onto his back.
I moved on my side, leaned over, and kissed his chest.
Fuck it. Fuck all of it and everyone who said this was a bad idea, myself included.
What I felt for Calvin was very real, and no amount of being told I couldn’t have him would sway me. Yes, I knew jumping out of one relationship and right into another was incredibly stupid. I knew what was even worse was leaving one man because he couldn’t be open about loving me for another man with the same issue, but I was too taken with Calvin to put on the brakes.
And I knew what he felt for me was real and as intense as what I was struggling with. His shit about not being worth it wouldn’t push me away, especially seeing now that he deemed himself a poor partner due to scars of war. We all have demons. If I had to rock him to sleep every night, telling him it was okay and I loved him, I would.
My breath caught.
God.
I loved him.
There really was no turning back.
His hand found my hair, and he hummed when I put my mouth over a nipple, sucking and gently biting. “You don’t need to do this,” he murmured.
“Do what?” I asked while moving over to the other nipple.
Calvin groaned quietly. “Feel bad for me.”
I stopped and raised my head. “I don’t pity you.” I straddled Calvin’s hips and leaned down close so I could see his face. “I want to be with you.”
His hands found my hips and slowly moved to hold my ass. “I can’t. I can’t stomach being the cause of your broken heart.”
“You haven’t broken it, though.”
“It’s inevitable.”
I leaned down and pressed my cheek to his, our rough jaws rubbing against each other. “Do youwantto be with me?” I asked quietly.
His hands moved up my back and wrapped around me tight. “More than you know.”
“Then let’s see what happens,” I replied, raising my face to find his mouth and kiss it.
