The weight in my chest increases until it’s almost hard to breathe. I suddenly feel completely trapped, even more than I did with Paul. Just that one comment from the ignorant pack member, and it feels like I’ve been transported back to my own pack, way back into my childhood.
At the time of my first shift, around six years old, nothing happened. My parents took me out into the woods with other shifter kids of the same age, and there was a big celebration planned for when we came back after our very first run.
One by one, the other kids changed and disappeared into the nearby woods. Some of them howled, others cried in joy, while our elders and parents stood guard to coach us through any difficulties we might have.
Once the others had all gone, every set of eyes turned to me. I stood there under the scrutiny of my family and elders, not having a single clue what to do or say.
They started to ask me questions. Was I feeling pressure inside my skin? What did the moonlight feel like to me? Did I have an urge to run free through the forest?
I didn’t know how to answer. I felt nothing.
Years passed, and still, I did not change. At first, I was supported. Every time a first shift ceremony was prepared, I’d be taken out with the others and coached through the steps. I tried as hard as I could, but nothing ever happened.
By the time I got to high school, everyone in town was beginning to avoid me. My parents barely spoke to me. I was so afraid and lonely, and I couldn’t believe I was being punished for something I had no control over.
The rest of the pack, and my family, made it absolutely clear they felt I did have control over it. I was met with anger by most of them, which only got worse if I tried to explain.
I think they wanted to believe I was doing it on purpose, because the alternative was too frightening. No shifter wants to face the thought that their ability could just be taken away, and they’d be powerless to stop it.
I started sneaking away to the gardens at the edge of town. I expected my teachers to get upset, and my parents to come looking for me. When they didn’t, I knew my previousloneliness had only been a drop in the bucket, and I was now facing an ocean of full-on abandonment.
Being amongst the plants always made me feel better, but I couldn’t live my whole life there. I’d go back to school, or home with my parents, and try to shine in other ways.
But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough!
One night, after being completely ignored by my parents, I went out to sit in the garden. The leaves on the trees sighed in the wind, as if they were trying to sing me a comforting song. When I saw the petals on the white roses silvered by the light of the full moon, I suddenly realized beyond all doubt that I was never going to shift.
And I left. I stood up, walked right out of that garden, and never looked back.
I found it easier to make my way in the human world than I expected. I carried with me a prejudice, a deep scar that made me assume others were going to judge me for what I couldn’t do. However, I found out pretty quickly that people have low expectations of each other, and if I could mop a floor and do dishes, I could earn a living easily enough.
I’d been moving around a bit before I ended up in Vegas, where I met Brad. I’d finally found a nice little house I could afford, a job with people I liked, and then, with Brad, the perfect boyfriend.
A sharp stab of pain slices through my chest, and I blink hard to force back the tears. Being abandoned by Brad was the ultimate confirmation of all my worst fears.
That I’m unlovable. That no one will ever want me.
“Are you alright, dear?” Grace asks, tipping back the brim of her hat to look closely at my face. “You’ve gone terribly pale.”
“I’m okay,” I answer. “Just thinking, that’s all.”
“Well, if you need to talk about anything, I’m right here, okay? I’m hoping we can spend some time together here. I could use an extra helper who actually knows what they’re doing.”
“Thank you,” I reply, smiling. I want to accept her words, and maybe even open up to her, but I’m still too afraid of being rejected.
I’ve known her for, like, two seconds. I’ve learned the hard way not to give my trust.
Grace goes back to talking about the hyacinths, and I track the conversation without really listening.
I can already tell her what’s wrong with them. It’s too warm here. They want to be in the corner where it’s cooler.
How come people can’t see things like this? It’s blindingly obvious.
My pain over Brad disappearing on me all those years ago runs right up against the awkwardness of sleeping in his bed last night. The tangle of emotions is too much for me, and my mind shies away from it violently. The emotional turmoil I’ve tried so hard to hold in all these years is breaking its banks, cresting out in a raging wave that consumes me with violent confusion.
I rebuilt myself again, after Brad. I became a new woman, twice burned and resurrected, ready to face the world. Then Paul had to come along…
Even though Brad had scarred me, what Paul did was far worse. He charmed me into falling for him, then gradually inched up the abuse day by day until, before I knew it, I was twisting myself inside out to please him. He became friends with everyone I knew and slowly turned them against me, until everyone thought I was weak, lazy, and sensitive.
