* * *
I should be content. I’m sitting behind the sleek mahogany desk in my home office suite. There’s no clutter, but the room walks a fine line between spartan and stark. Warm colors, wood and some tasteful art save it from being too austere, I think. The room is my command center, but it’s also my refuge.
Not today, though. The silence is oppressive, rather than calming. The sense of control feels like a void where the Byrnes’ chaos should be. And there aren’t enough reports, spreadsheets, or graphs in the world to distract me from thoughts of Natalie. That’s new. I’ve never had a woman take my whole attention away from business before, so I have no coping skills for it.
I want to call her. The need to hear her voice is so strong, it’s almost a physical ache, and I’ve even picked up my phone several times. It wouldn’t be out of line to call and let her know I made it home and thank her again for her hospitality and that of her family.
But then what?
A chime sounds, letting me know the elevator’s on its way up. Since Annette isn’t back yet, it must be my mother. I close the laptop I’ve barely looked at and meet her in the living room.
She kisses my cheek and then drops onto the leather sofa. “Am I interrupting anything that’s not work?”
“No. I didn’t know you’d be dropping by.” I sit next to her, worry buzzing in my head. Mom’s here a lot, but rarely does she arrive unexpectedly.
“I hadn’t planned to. But then I pulled up the photos on my phone looking for a picture I took of my Christmas list and this came up.”
She turns her phone to face me and the breath leaves my body in a rush when I see the picture of Natalie and me in the sleigh. With my arm around her and both of us laughing as we look at each other instead of the camera, we look like a happy couple, madly in love.
My heart aches and I rub my fingertips over my chest as if I can ease the pain. And my mother doesn’t miss it.
“Why aren’t you with her right now, Donovan?”
I wave my hand toward the office. “You know why.”
“What does any of this matter compared to this?” She pushes the phone closer, as if the image isn’t already seared into my soul. “Look how happy you are in this picture, Donovan. I’ve never seen you like this and, let me tell you, getting this text was one of the happiest moments of my life. I want this for you.”
“And I want you to have the best of everything. I don’t want you to ever go without something you need, and I don’t care if it’s doctors or a purse that catches your eye. You deserve everything, and that comes first. Always.”
“There’s no amount of money that can guarantee me health or happiness, Donovan.”
“But I can make sure a lack of money doesn’t stand in the way.”
She sighs, and the sorrow in her eyes takes my breath away. “Your father didn’t have the money to get the medical care he needed. That’s a truth we’ll always live with. But you need to remember what he did have. He had me. He had you. He had a family who loved him, and he had bedtime reading and teaching you to fish—or trying to, anyway—and watching the Red Sox games with you. His life wasn’t nearly long enough, but it was a good and full life, well lived. That’s what he would want for you.”
“He would want me to take care of you.”
“Honey, he would be so proud of what you’ve built. But he’d also be a little sad because it’s all you have.” She covers my hand with hers, but it doesn’t take the sting out of her words. “Parents want their children to be happy and I don’t think you are, and that hurts me. I won’t say there’s a void in my life. You don’t have to have a wife and children for my life to be complete. But I don’t think you’re alone because that’s the path you’ve chosen as your best life. It’s more like you stepped into a gerbil wheel years ago and you’re afraid to get out.”
“If I get out, the wheel stops.”
“Or somebody else—like Annette—steps in and keeps it going. And maybe it won’t spin as fast or as hard without you in it, but…honey, does it really have to?”
I don’t want to tell her about the dreams—about how I wake up in a cold sweat that drives me to the office to do more. To work harder and smarter.
“Donovan, you’ve set aside so much money in my accounts that you could lose everything tomorrow and I will still have more than I need. It’s time—past time, honestly—for you to stop and think about what you want.”
“Natalie.” Her name leaves my lips before I can stop it, and my mom squeezes my hand.
Tears shimmer in her eyes, and her smile is warm and full of love. “It’s time to let your heart lead for a while. And now I’m going to leave because I’ve said what I needed to say. And don’t take this the wrong way, but I really hope we don’t see you for Christmas dinner this year.”
When the door closes behind my mother, I lean back and close my eyes. Instantly, I see Natalie’s face, as I have every time I’ve closed my eyes since leaving her. I don’t know if we can make it work. I don’t know what our life together would look like. But I know I want to wake up next to her every morning forever, if she’ll have me.
I have to try.
Chapter Nineteen
Natalie
