“Should have ended it,” I whisper into her shoulder, pressing my lips against the material of her t-shirt. The heat of her skin translates through the fabric. Her arms tighten around me.
“You don’t have any tattoos,” she says.
Does she think she can distract me? When tomorrow looms so soon? I tried not to think about it too, but the charade has fallen, ripped apart by Vee’s outburst.
“Tanisira—”
“Tee,” she breathes against my temple.
“What?”
“I like it when you call me Tee.”
“End it,” I beg.
“You’ve got cold feet.”
I hear sadness in her voice, but I push the observation away, push it all away, push my face against her chest so hard I could hurt myself.
“This time it’s not about me. It’s about the little boy out there who worships you. He doesn’t know how we’re going to say goodbye.” I exhale heavily. “And neither do I, Tee. I’m not—I can’t—”
She moves slowly, like she doesn’t want to spook me, takes my face between her hands and leans away. I can sense her waiting for me to meet her eyes. Lifting my gaze is a herculean effort, but I force myself to do it, curl my hands around her wrists and feel her pulse stutter against my fingertips. For a long moment, we just look at each other.
How the fuck did we get here? It feels like a fist is rearranging my insides. I just want it to stop.
“Okay,” Tanisira murmurs.
‘Okay.’ Not a tremor to be heard in her voice. Something acidic rises in my throat before I swallow it down. I can’t be upset because she’slisteningto me. Giving me what Iaskedfor.
I try to force back my disappointment, my dismay, but it’s a tidal wave I’m ill equipped to defend against.
Okay?
Unceremoniously, I pull away from her. “Okay?”
The word has now lost all meaning to me. As my heart sinks, I focus on the rapid flickering of her gaze over my face. In the end, it’s that easy for her?
“I’ll always respect your choices,” Tanisira says. Her words are earnest, painfully so, but that only irritates me more. And maybe it’s my trauma coming back to bite me again—with all my emotional supports blown wide open—because no one everrespectedmy choices. I have to take a few deep breaths, remind myself that I literally just asked her to do this.
She looks back at me, inscrutable.
“Just like that?” I even manage to sound calm.
“You were going to be pissed off no matter what I said.”
“Don’t tell me what I—”
“Maybe you want this to hurt now, so it won’t hurt later. I get it, I really do, but I’m not going to let you start an argument with me, Marlowe. We have barely any time left with each other.”
I hate that she’s right. I feel insane, trying to pull myself together, not wanting to do exactly what she just said. Tomorrow has become a spectre of itself; the death of something incredible before it could even start. It sits in my throat like a razor blade, and I gag on the truth of it. I’ll end up back home, and maybe I get to see Tanisira whenevershe manages to visit Neo-London, but we both know it’s not promising.
Nothing will stop this from hurting.
Tanisira watches me with shadowed eyes. I itch to crawl back into her arms, but I thoroughly ruined the moment. I don’t know how to ease the tension between us. I don’t know how to not run.
Maybe it bleeds out into my expression; maybe she does just know me. She shifts, reaching out to take hold of me at the same moment that I turn to flee. Panic flares behind my ribcage. I avoid her touch, knowing that if she wraps her arms around me, I’ll crumble. I am so fucking tired.
But we both freeze as Kit appears before us. I swallow down a yelp whilst Tanisira’s outstretched hand curls into a fist. Her body is pressed against my back, offering safety and shelter even though I was about to leave. I didn’t know Kit could look so grim, and the sudden steel in Tanisira’s posture tells me something’s wrong.
