My heart rate picks up, but I shrug nonchalantly. I like to think I’m a decent liar, but with the mantle of her attention on my shoulders, I’m cringing.
“I’m only asking because you don’t look well. There is no ulterior motive.”
I didn’t think I looked that bad, but I should have known better around Tanisira’s sharp eye. “Just recovering from yesterday, I’m sure.”
“You’re pale and you’re shaking like a leaf. You didn’t look like this after the officers disembarked. After some rest, you should be, if not lively, then at least better.”
She shakes her head, and I feel a flash of irritation that she is always so put together. She has seen me fall on my face, have a complete meltdown and then nearly pass out from anxiety. I have seen her... maybe a little angry? I hate being vulnerable, and I hate beingthisvulnerable in front of someone as competent as Tanisira. But I can see the steel in her posture, bracketing her spine and her mouth, and I know I have to say something.
I exhale slowly, trying to release the tension knotted in my shoulders. “Okay, fine. I’m not feeling entirely well.”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s not so serious. I’ll be fine once I get some rest.”Once I raid the medical bay.
Watching the infinitesimal shifts in her expression is interesting, if terrifying. She sees too much. And for a stranger—or at least, someone who doesn’t need to care—this feels something like an invasion. I sit rigidly in my chair, and it takes everything in me to stay there. It’s even worse when I catch the little darts her gaze makes to my traitorous fingers. Trying to come across as casual, I slip my hands under my thighs and press them firmly into the metal.
“We should postpone the spacewalk,” she says, but it sounds like a proposal. I’m annoyed, so it’s aggravating that she’s being cute. What pisses me off more is that she’s technically right—my ego stirs like a bad case of indigestion, and I find that I can’t make myself look even more fragile in front of her. It’s stupid. I hate it as it’s happening. I do it anyway.
“Nope.” I pop the ‘p’ and leap to my feet, wobbling a little. “Let’s go.”
She eyes me, standing. “Mar—”
“You said we needed to get out there.”
“I can go out there today and you can join tomorrow. You’d be a liability like this.”
I guess I expected her to have zero tolerance at this point or try to bear down on me, so I deflate pretty quickly when she doesn’t. She just waits patiently. I run my hands through my curls, hating— not for the first time in my life—that they give me away.
“What was the plan for today’s spacewalk?” I ask. Less of a brat, more mortified, still annoyed.
“Kit compiled a list of tasks. The problem is the blind spots where sensors and cameras were snapped off or disabled. I hadplanned to canvas the hull, bridge the gaps in her report and complete the list.”
I raise an eyebrow. “No fixing?”
“Not if it can be helped. I don’t want to rush the survey and miss anything. We’re moving so fast that if we were to hit anything, it’d be certain death. I want to get it right the first time.”
I roll my eyes as I get to my feet. “I can do that, no problem.”
She surprises me by responding, “That’s very big talk for someone who had a panic attack in the airlock.”
I gasp so loudly it almost winds me. “Every time you make a joke, it’s honestly like being in a fever dream.”
I don’t think Tanisira finds that funny because she doesn’t reply, although her face is so carefully blank I wonder if she’s laughing inside. The tension in the room becomes something else entirely. With those sharp eyes pinned on me, I’m frozen in place. If I were to close the distance between us, how would she react? I want her to saysomethingabout last night, even if it’s just to confirm that she wished it hadn’t happened.
I open my mouth, and Vee comes bounding in.
“Dad sent comms telling me to be ready for a vid call in ten,” he says. “He said he had important meetings he couldn’t get out of, or he’d have called yesterday. You coming?”
My heart takes a dive off the scaffolding of my ribcage, and I barely manage to control my facial muscles. Still, it takes me a moment to gather the ability to talk.
“How nice!” I say, too loudly, with too much enthusiasm.
Vee gives me a strange look but does me the kindness of not mentioning it. “So, are you coming?”
“Actually, remember how earlier I told you I wasn’t prepared for this trip? Well, that’s because I’m surprising your father. Not to get back together with him,” I say hurriedly as Vee’sexpression starts to darken. “Just that I was supposed to join you a few days later, but I managed to get more time off.”
My guts churn. I can suddenly taste all that food I ate in the back of my throat. I hate lying to him. I hate it hate it hate it. Even more, I hate what I’m about to ask him to do.
