“Sure.”
“Marlowe, tell her.”
“Tell her what?”
“That falling in love is easy. She’s so cynical, it’s depressing. God knows why; she’s got a cracking brain and a hip-to-waist ratio that’s depressing.”
I laugh. Falling in love iseasy—it’s everything else about it that’s difficult. Khrys flips Beau off, and they segue into a topic I don’t try to follow. I haven’t had the chance to ask Tanisira about the hotel room, and it’s eating at me. I figure she needed some time to herself because she disappeared soon after the ship left Novus. I tried to nap, but my thoughts just kept spinning. Vee, however, is out like a light.
I leave the galley; not knowing where I’m going, just that I need to be somewhere else. But I end up on the observation deck and realise I’d been heading there the whole time.
Arms against the railing, head bowed, Tanisira looks so deep in thought that it almost feels cruel to interrupt her. But I can’t let myself think about this much longer. She doesn’t react when I approach, giving me time to think about what I want to say. No matter how I put it, I’ll be incriminating myself more than I already have.
In the end, I just keep it simple: “Was it Samiran?”
Tanisira’s shoulders tense a moment before she faces me. The lights are dimmed, and in shadow, her features are harsh. “Yes.”
I flinch. Curl my fingers into my palms. Gather myself, though it’s not easy.
“And did you—”
I cut myself off. It’s so hard to ask. Hard to ask because I had no right to snoop, and I have no right to be jealous. My skin crawls. I suddenly don’t think I can do this. Where do I get off asking Tanisira about her love life? She doesn’t owe me anything.
Her words come back to me: ‘I think we owe each other a lot, actually.’ But I hadn’t agreed with her on that, had I? I repeat it under my breath, tasting the words, testing them out. Do we owe each other? I can’t deny—not to my brain, nor my heart—that we havesomething. We barely know each other, yet I trust her with my son, my safety, my body.
Fuck it. We do owe each other. “Did you sleep with her?”
I’m glad I can’t see her. Hearing her huff of astonishment makes me cringe as it is.
“Why would you—” Now it’s Tanisira’s turn to falter. “Oh.”
She steps towards me but stops, and my pulse flits like a frightened bird. “You did, didn’t you?” I ask.
“Of course I didn’t.”
The vice on my chest loosens. The ability to take a full breath is so sudden, I almost gasp. I have to take a second to steel my voice, not trusting it to come out steady. “What do you mean by ‘of course’?”
“You think I’d do that?”
“Haven’t we just proved that I don’t really know you? She’sperfect, Tee.”
Now it’s Tanisira’s turn to flinch; a full-body movement that I can practically feel. Guilt courses through me; she doesn’t deserve to be accused just because I have issues believing I could be enough for anyone.
“You do know me. What I told you, what you saw today—that’s not who I am. I used to run in that world, and as a last resort, I used old connections to get more medication. I hatedgoing back there, I hated being anywhere near Ryker, but I’d do it again to make sure you have what you need.”
My heart twists. I didn’t even think about how hard it must have been for her to use those connections.
“I would never ask you to—”
“No, you wouldn’t have. I made that decision. I’m not blaming you, I’m just telling you that I would do it again. For you, Marlowe, I’m realising that I would do a lot.”
My stomach dips, and I stare even though her face is still limned in darkness. No one’s ever said anything like that to me. Even the people who were supposed to love me because I was their daughter had their limits. It feels like too much and not enough—but if Tanisira were to promise me ‘anything’ I don’t think I could bear it. I choose to derail the conversation so I can recover from my tender heart.
“Why did it have to be her?”
“She was docked on Novus for a few days, and I needed someone to act as decoy. That’s all. I mean it when I say I have nothing to do with my past; that means no one knows me now, what I do, or who I’m associated with. I didn’t want to lead anyone to theMidas,to you. I asked Samiran to dress like me, be my decoy and mislead any lurkers.”
At some point, one of us must have gravitated towards the other because she’s unbearably close. I itch to reach out and touch her, even though this is a woman who needs a decoy on a layover. That’s not normal.
