‘No, it’s not that. I just regret not being better with him, kinder, more… committed.’
Looks passed between them; Kelsey’s sympathetic, Mirren’s self-recriminating and pained.
‘You tried, for a long time you tried. All the romance was gone, you said it yourself, and you found yourself wanting to see other guys, to “play the field,” you said. Remember? You couldn’t stay together feeling like that.’
Mirren winced again, scrunching up the paper bag her pastry had come in.
‘No.Stop beating yourself up. There’s nothing wrong with liking men and enjoying their…erm,company?’ Kelsey said, trying to coax Mirren’s smile back.
Mirren merely shrugged. She loved Kelsey for many things, and the way she never judged her was topping the list right this second. She was right; loving the thrill of meeting new guys and enjoying hooking up with them wasn’t wrong, not at all, and it wouldn’t have been a problem if Mirren had really, actually enjoyed her encounters with them, but every one had been laced with something other than pleasure and empowerment. It wasn’t guilt exactly and it wasn’t shame either – in spite of years spent absorbing her mum’s unkind comments about her personal life. It had been instead a kind of sadness, sadness that even after breaking up with Preston she hadn’t come close to getting what she actually wanted.
It was only becoming clear to her now that she was in England and seeing her old habits as through a rear-view mirror, receding away and less worryingly close, that Mirren fully realised what that was. What she wanted was the kind of love and security that Preston had given her since her mid-teens, combined with the deep attraction and excitement she’d felt with other guys in more elicit circumstances. Why couldn’t she have both combined? The best dating app designers in the world couldn’t find that guy, it seemed. That guy didn’t exist.
Mirren’s shoulders heaved then relaxed as she exhaled. ‘I can’t change what’s happened, and I wouldn’t, not really, but I can take better control of what’s to come. So, I want you to witness this, Kelsey…’ Mirren hovered her index finger over the ‘delete profile’ button on the app and let Kelsey watch as her online dating life disappeared. ‘While I’m in town with you, I am single, I’m not dating, and I’m concentrating onme.’
‘Nice one, Mirren,’ Kelsey grinned. ‘You’ve had a big break-up and it makes sense to take some time for yourself.’
‘Thanks,’ Mirren sniffed. ‘If I’m really being honest, it’s not so much about not wanting todateanyone, it’s about not wanting tofeelanything at all. I just want some peace, to be alone with myself and not to always be swinging between extremes of excitement, then disappointment, and guilt or embarrassment. If I only have myself to focus on I can control my life better, actually be in the driving seat for once. That’s the idea anyway. I’m just… sotired, Kelsey.’
‘I know. I’m here for this, with whatever you need, OK?’ Kelsey was a little alarmed to see Mirren’s smile slipping again and her bottom lip wobbling. Mirren never cried in front of her. She was always the brave one, the one with all the answers, the confidence, and the smart comebacks. How had the tables turned so much? Kelsey pulled her friend close and for a few minutes they held their heads together while Mirren sniffed away tears.
‘Come on, let’s walk along the riverside and see if we can find this mooring,’ Kelsey said, at last, clutching Norma’s letter with its pencil sketch on the back showing the old ticket barge’s new position down river. Even if she didn’t yet have the key they could look the boat over.
‘OK,’ agreed Mirren, and the pair set off, Mirren looping her arm in Kelsey’s. ‘I only hope your mum has better luck with dating than I ever did.’
‘Me too. Wait,what?’
‘Ah, yeah, about that. Imighthave encouraged your mum to sign up for a dating app. Just the one, Kilted Cupids, and uh… I didn’t know if she’d mentioned it to you yet, so…’
‘She hadn’t, no. When I called home on Friday night Calum said she was out and…’ Kelsey’s eyes widened with the realisation. ‘Do you think she was onadate?’
‘I hope so.’ Mirren had found her smile again.
‘I’ll have to ring home, get the details.’ Kelsey’s eyes flickered with wonder as she adjusted to the idea.
‘Ask her to send the guy’s profile picture over,’ Mirren grinned. ‘What? Just because I’ve sworn off men forever doesn’t mean I can’t be excited for your mum.’
‘I know. I just don’t wantherto get her hopes up only to be disappointed. The way you describe these apps makes choosing a partner sound like a blood sport.’
‘Oh honey, it can be, but your mum knows what she’s doing, and… Kelsey, are you all right?’
Kelsey’s grasp increased in pressure on Mirren’s forearm. They had stopped in front of a wide, high-roofed barge painted in burgundy, green and gold. Kelsey’s breath seemed to have stilled. ‘This is it.’
‘You’re sure?’ Mirren replied.
‘Yes, look, there’s Norma’s old A-frame sign with the tour prices and times on.’ Kelsey pointed at one of the low windows.
‘It’s bigger than I remember,’ Mirren said, watching Kelsey swallowing a nervous lump and still gripping her arm tightly.
Kelsey wasn’t speaking, but her lips moved silently as her mind worked. Mirren would have to reassure her and fast.
‘You can do this, Kelse. You renovated the studio, right? You can make this… nice too. Oh look, a nest!’
Sure enough, there on its roof was a mess of sticks and feathers topped with a sleeping mallard.
‘A barge, Mirren? What exactly am I supposed to do with a forty-foot riverboat with peeling paint and ducks with squatters’ rights? It’s been hard enough trying to make money at the studio! Add to that a second premises – and one I have to keep afloat, literally – how am I going to manage?’
‘We’ll think of something,’ Mirren said. ‘And you’ve got your pumpkin shoots idea, and the Christmas parties. Come on, you’ve got this!’
