“Have you gotten my letters?”
Fuck. Those letters were my downfall.
They were like a drug and I waited daily for the fix from London – holding out hope that I’d also receive something from Cam one day. Devouring every letter and sentence she wrote; the loopy, feminine script of her handwriting jumping off the pages and entwining around my heart as if she was gripping it with her own two hands.
I shrugged with boredom. As if unaffected by her spirit and generosity and beautiful soul.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Her face fell, and she sniffed. “Okay, good. I’m glad. I may have mentioned that I heard from Cam.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat and feeling it drop like a lead balloon in my stomach, I nodded.
“How’s he doing in bootcamp?”
She smiled stiffly, cupping her chin with her palm. God, what I would’ve given to be the one touching her like that.
Instead, I made a fist and gripped the phone tighter in my hand. Crucifying the need in me to soothe her worried expression.
“He doesn’t write much. Just a few details here and there. Mainly about his drill sergeant and a few guys he’s become friends with in his unit. But he graduated and is now completing his specialized training. Something about special ops. And…” She stopped abruptly, her voice growing weaker. Sadder.
Cocking my head to the side, I squinted discerningly. “And what?”
She worried her lip, biting down on the flesh that I’d once kissed and fucked. Loved and worshipped.
“Cam’s met someone.”
My body jerked and jumped as if I’d been electrocuted.
“Who?”
London shrugged as if it pained her to talk about it. As if she knew she would be hurting me with the details. And fuck, it hurt either way.
I waved my hand in front of my face. “Never mind. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Cam’s free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. That part of my life is over. We need to move on. You need to move on, too.”
The shiny strands of her blond hair cascaded over her shoulders, dangling softly as she shook her head.
“I can’t Sage. I love him. I love you. Nothing will ever change that.”
I hissed sarcastically. “You’re so fuckin’ naïve, London. Get over yourself. Nothing will ever be the same again and you need to accept that and move the fuck on. In fact, I can’t do this anymore.”
I gestured between us with my index finger and glanced away, avoiding her gaze knowing she’d see all the truth behind my lie.
The truth was, I’d never be over either one of them. They could lock me away for a lifetime and throw away the key, but that love was rooted too deep to ever leave me. It’ll be there until my dying day, even if both Cam and London are no longer in my life.
“Don’t you say that, Sage. I will never give up on you. I will keep coming here, every week. I. Won’t. Give. Up.”
She poked the window with her finger, emphasizing each syllable and her fury lighting up her words.
I stared at her for a minute – or maybe it was an hour – memorizing the lines in her brow, the soft curve of her cheeks, the lush fullness of her lips. Capturing every detail of her face and pocketing it in my heart before I stood up, pushed the chair back and hung up the phone.
As I walked out the door, my back to London, I made a peculiar observation.
Living without a heart wasn’t that hard at all.
What was difficult was living with a lie.
And knowing you just killed any joy and happiness you’d ever known or would ever have again.
