“For now,” Rowan agreed. “Tell me the other reason you pushed me away.”
Hugh rolled his hips against her body, creating friction. They both moaned. “I’m not pushing you away now. I’m pulling you toward me.”
“You are,” Rowan agreed breathlessly. “As good as that feels, Iwillwalk out your door if you don’t explain all the reasons why you kept hurting me and why you seem willing to…touch me now.”
Hugh swallowed past his shame. “Christ, Row. You have to know I never wanted to hurt you.” He leaned into her quickly and placed a kiss on the underside of her jaw. She stretched her neck to give him better access before catching herself and pulling back.
“Explain.”
There was obviously no getting out of talking about his fucking feelings. “I didn’t understand...or realize maybe, what else might be holding me back in…in taking what I wanted—you—until I came back to Oklahoma.” Hugh could tell Rowan was biting her tongue so she wouldn’t interrupt his explanation with questions. “It was Mom that helped me see what my problem might have been.” At Rowan’s smirk, Hugh added, “Yes, my mom. Don’t be so smug about it.”
Hugh took a deep breath and just said it. “I realized even before the ink was dry on my marriage license, that I’d made a huge mistake with Helen, but I’d never quit anything in my life. So, I stayed the course. It’s what my father had always taught me to do. I was young, twenty-three, your age actually, and I believed things would get better.”
“Was she so different while you were dating?”
He chuckled, but there was little amusement in the sound. “Like night and day. She fooled all of us. When my parents realized how bad things were, they wanted me to divorce her immediately, but she was pregnant already. I didn’t know it, but she was already pregnant when we wed. She didn’t even tell me until our wedding night. It was her excuse not to have sex. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how truly deceived I’d been.
“She never desired me. She only consented for the sake of conceiving. Helen was a calculating bitch that I grew to despise—except when Bran was born, Christ,” he began, shaking his head in wonder, “he was…I don’t know how to describe it. He was my heart outside of my body. I would have done anything, tolerated everything that venomous woman threw my way, to create what I hoped was a perfect family for my son.
“I would say staying married was a mistake, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had Patrick.”
“I thought she didn’t want to…umm, have sex,” Rowan wondered aloud.
“She didn’t. Not with me, anyway. I can thank her parents for telling their daughter that she couldn’t go back to her social life in Boston until she did her duty by giving me an heiranda spare.
“Helen was stunningly beautiful, and I hadn’t had sex since before we were married. When Bran was probably about nine months old, she started coming to my bedroom late at night. I was young and desperate, and I didn’t believe in cheating. If Iwanted to have sex with anything other than my hand, she was it. Three weeks later, Helen was pregnant with Patrick, and I never touched her again.
“I know you’re wondering if the boys are mine by blood. They are. I had DNA tests done after Patrick was born. It wouldn’t have mattered to me. I loved them from their first breaths, but the O’Faolain attorney thought it was best to cover all our bases. If one of the boys wasn’t mine, we could have ruined her and her family name by revealing it. It was for leverage only. I would have done anything to keep them. I’m sure she had affairs while we were married, but she must have taken precautions.”
“I didn’t wonder, actually. Bran and Patrick may have gotten their mother’s white hair, but that’s the only thing that horrible woman gave them. Seeing the three of you together…no, there was never a doubt as to who their father is.”
Hugh liked the soft look on Rowan’s face. He ran his thumbs over the ridges of her ribs. The barest inch from the underside of her breasts. “Are we done talking?” Hugh wasn’t above begging. Rowan probably wasn’t even aware that she’d arched her back. She also ignored his question.
“Helen was a horrible wife, horrible mother, and undoubtedly, and overall horrible person. Did you think that I…that I could or would ever treat you the same? Frankly, if you painted me with the same brush as that…creature, I don’t think my pride would ever recover.”
“No! I don’t think that at all. I’veneverconsidered that. It’s only that Mom made me consider that my tragic, one and only long-term relationship, scared or, I don’t know, scarred me enough that I became a fucking coward.”
“You don’t know the meaning of cowardice, Hugh, and I never want to hear you say that about yourself.” Rowan knew some of the shit his ex-wife had put Hugh and his sons throughbut hearing Hugh speak of it wrecked her inner calm and made her want to find that bitch Helen and push her off a cliff.
“There isn’t a man or woman with a modicum of intelligence that wouldn’t hesitate at entering into another commitment, especially if they’d enduredthatreptile’s coldness. I appreciate how hard it was to talk about that time in your life. I’m grateful for the insight. I’m very grateful to know you better. I’m very,verygrateful your problem with me wasn’tallto do with our ages,” she smiled.
“Whatever comes of this, you and me, I need you to know I’m not ready to jump all the way in.”
“I understand. As long as I have a chance. Are you,” he paused, appearing unsure of his next words, “still going to see Will while we’re figuring things out?”
Hugh’s stormy expression was fierce. Rowan knew who owned her heart, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t scared. This was the first time Hugh had discussed what a toll his ex-wife had taken. It didn’t mean those hurts and wounds and reactions had magically disappeared.
Rowan also wasn’t the type of woman to lead someone on. Will was amazing, but until things were resolved one way or another with her and Hugh, she would need to end things. “I’ll call William tomorrow and pause things with us.”
Hugh’s jaw flexed. He hadn’t liked the word ‘pause,’ probably preferring ‘end.’ “Good. Then I’ll have my peoplepausetheir investigation on the Stantons.”
Rowan felt her jaw drop, aghast. “Tell me you didn’t start an investigation on Will! Do you know what boundaries are? You should, you cross them all the damn time.” Hugh didn’t respond. Shaking her head...out of all the men in the world, she had to fall in love with the most annoying one. God, but his arrogant stare was sexy.
Closing the distance between their mouths, Rowan whispered against Hugh’s lips, “Is there anything else you need to tell me?” She felt his body tense beneath her.
“No.”
“You’ve never kissed me. Do you want to?” Rowan knew her teasing was about to gain her exactly what she wanted. Hugh out of control. For her.
