“Because …” I trail off, not sure what to say. Because if I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t have a good answer. Something about these guys makes me want to know more about them, and it’s not even worth denying my attraction to them. The fact that Lukas’s suggestion has my blood racing and tingles spreading through my lower belly is proof enough of that.
“You have a list of sexual activities you would like to partake in,” Sebastian states. “And we would like to partake in those activities with you. You said you’re not interested in dating, and we’ll respect that, but you can explore sex without dating.”
“And if you change your mind and do want to date us, we’re amenable to that,” says Elliot.
“One thing at a time.” Sebastian tells him, and smiles at me. I realize that I don’t think I’ve seen him smile before, at least not like this. They’ve all always been so serious and straightforward, but Sebastian’s grin is bright and totally changes his face, making him look more boyish and playful, and … fun. But it’s short-lived, his no-nonsense mask falling back into place almost as quickly as it lifted.
I let my gaze fall on each of them in turn even as I’m mentally yelling at myself.Why are you hesitating? You cannot possibly be considering this. Say no. Sayhellno, and get out of here, and block their numbers, and maybe consider transferring schools and legally changing your name.But I can’t help letting myselfhalf-imagine it for a moment. Me, naked and on all fours, with Felix kneeling behind me as he pounds into me with that cat-like control, shoving me forward so that I take Elliot’s cock deeper into my throat with each thrust. Elliot’s hands buried in my hair, holding my head right where he wants it as he fucks my mouth. Sebastian underneath me and bucking his hips against his own hand, his lips locked around one of my nipples, sucking, as he pinches the other between those dexterous fingers. He twists them just so and bites down gently, sending a bolt of pleasure through my body so I come hard, my whole body shaking with the effort to keep sucking Elliot off instead of collapsing on top of Sebastian. And Lukas, fisting his own thick length as he watches his friends and me pleasuring each other, whispering “Good girl” in my ear and triggering a second orgasm for me as they all find their release simultaneously.
I force myself out of the fantasy, dropping my gaze to the ground and gathering my hair into a low ponytail over one shoulder just to have something to do with my hands. What am Idoing, thinking about that, right in front of them, and in such graphic detail? All week I’ve been looking at their pictures and refusing to let my fantasies turn fully sexual, and then I choose this of all moments to fling open the door? What is wrong with me?
“Can I think about it?” My voice comes out hoarse, barely above a whisper, thanks to the lust now coursing through me.
Their expressions all sharpen for just a moment into ones of hunger, allowing me another brief glimpse of exactly how different they can be from what they’ve shown me up until now.
“Of course,” says Felix. The others nod in agreement.
If I say no, what will happen? Will they give up on me forever, move on and find some other girl who already knows what she’s doing and won’t need to be taught? I’m not ready to commit to this yet, but the thought of someone else taking my place inthat fantasy I just had almost has me agreeing to this ridiculous proposition.
“Okay.”
“Okay, you’ll do it?” Elliot looks even more excited than when I agreed to come over for a movie night.
I shake my head, my eyes wide. “No! I mean, okay, I’ll think about it.” Yikes, if I do go through with this, I’m really going to have to watch my words moving forward. They take everything so literally.
Chapter Eight
The ride back to my dorm is so uncomfortable, given everything that has transpired in the last half hour or so. Elliot is driving again, with Sebastian in the front passenger seat, since they both sat next to me on the sofa for the little bit of their nerdy space show we watched. So I’m squeezed between Lukas and Felix again.
Technically it’s fair, but I’m wondering if they’ve ever taken into consideration the time length of their switching. We only got through part of one episode of their show, and the drives from the party to their house and their house to my dorm add up to at least twice that. That means Lukas and Felix are sitting next to me longer than Sebastian and Elliot, and I’m surprised they’re okay with that, given how focused they are on fairness. Maybe they’re thinking it’ll even out in the long run, or that trying to keep track of the amount of time each of them gets to sit with me is too much of a hassle. Though I suspect that type of math is as simple for them as counting to two is for me.
If they’ve thought through something as small as the rotation of sitting by me, I have to assume they’ve also fully discussed their offer to help me check things off on my sexual to-do list, although I do wonder how, given the short amount of time therewas between them finding the list and me finding them with it. But they do seem able to have entire conversations silently and in a manner of seconds, so probably they just used that mind-meld power to decide while they were reading over the list before I came back from my call with Ronnie.
I also wonder if they’ll truly be able to compartmentalize and separate their supposed desire to date me from their offer to help me with the list. I’ve told them I don’t want a relationship, and while I want to trust that they’ll respect that and be able to keep this whole sex-list thing strictly that, I can’t help but be skeptical. Especially because I don’t know that I can trust myself to keep from developing feelings for them once we start. I’ve always been worried about my ability to separate sex and emotions, and seeing how obsessed my mother is with my father, I haven’t even tried, just in case I’m not able to compartmentalize.
I suppose I can’t keep that up forever, though, and perhaps now is the time to test myself. These would be the perfect men for such a trial. I’ll probably never have a similar chance.
I note how Elliot’s fingers wrap confidently around the steering wheel. If they can manipulate a cube so well, they must be able to do other things with their fingers too. The thought makes me blush, unable to stop my brain from imagining the possible ways in which we could explore their dexterity. Ronnie has told me before about her first time and how awkward it was, but somehow, I don’t feel like I’d have that problem with these guys. They’re goal-oriented, focused, and competitive. Surely that will work in my favor.
Felix’s hand brushes against my thigh. Was that intentional? I look up at him, and his eyes are on me. Focused. Assessing. Analyzing.
Silently, Elliot pulls into a parking spot just outside my dorm and we all sit in the stillness for a moment. I can practically feelthe guys’ hesitation to open the car doors and say goodnight. I completely understand. Once we step outside of this car, am I going to see them again?
The very idea makes my lungs constrict. I’m not sure that any of us is going to be able to navigate a strictly platonic, non-sexual relationship with one another, so it seems like saying goodbye forever and letting them teach me about sex are my only two options.
Finally, Lukas eases open the door and steps out of the car. I slide with him across the back seat, and Felix scootches across as well to exit through the same door even though it would have been much easier to get out on his own side.
The four of them walk me to the front door of my dorm. It’s a tight squeeze to walk three abreast on the sidewalk, but their shoulders pressed against mine help to stave off the January cold.
We pause in front of the door, and I dig in my purse for my key card that will let me into the building. I don’t immediately swipe it and rush inside, though. It feels like if I let them walk away without an answer, I’ll be letting them leave for good.
Another girl from my dorm comes up and slides past us. She raises her eyebrows at me like she’s not sure if she should intervene or not, so I give her a smile to let her know I’m safe. There’s a lot I don’t know right now in life, but I do know that these guys will not hurt me. Not intentionally at least.
As soon as she disappears inside and out of sight, Felix asks, “It’s probably too soon to ask, but have you made your decision yet?”
I sigh. “I’m still thinking about it.” I’m going to have to pull out some paper and list the potential benefits and problems of this whole thing as soon as I get upstairs.
“But you haven’t ruled out saying yes, right?” asks Sebastian.
