“You wanted to be with her,” Fern retorted. “You wanted me to help you—”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I care far more for you than I do for your sister.”
“That’s not true.” Fern gripped her hands into her skirts, willing her voice not to tremble. “You—you’re confused, that’s all. You’re stressed, and—” Her heart flipped, battling against the persistent voice in her head.
You’ll never be able to win him away from Rose.
“I won’t let you give up your future for me,” she spat out, squeezing her eyes closed. “I don’t want to be anything more than friends.”
The air hung heavy between them. More than once Alex took in a breath as though he wanted to say something, but stopped.
“I understand,” he said finally, his cheeks slightly pink as he looked back down at his work. “We will be friends then, and nothing more.”
Fern nodded, allowing her eyes to find his. For a moment, she considered saying no. She wondered what would happen if she let herself be the beautiful one, the beloved one. If she allowed herself this one pleasure, this one comfort in a world of constant unease. Would it be so selfish?
I have made this mess, and I will have to live with it.
“Friends,” she said, her face straining into a smile.
He bobbed his head in return, and what looked like regret flashed in his eyes. And for a moment, Fern let herself believe he was as devastated by this situation as she was.
Chapter 22
“Sip,please,Fern,donot slurp.”
Fern set her teacup down as gingerly as possible, but her trembling fingers caused the cup to wobble audibly in its saucer. Lady Redborne flinched as though she had shattered glass.
“I’m sorry, Mama,” she murmured. “I was just thirsty.” She hoped the beverage would fortify her enough to get her through several more hours of preparation, but she wondered if there was enough tea in all of England to keep her eyes open. Suffering through the bitter taste was penance for her actions.
Fern had not slept well, once again. Throughout the night her mind had wandered through countless scenarios, alternative endings to their conversation in the library. Was there some way she and Alex could be together, a combination of factors that allowed her to fall into his arms without blowing up every other aspect of her life?
When the first light of dawn crept its lavender fingers past the curtains of her bedroom, Fern accepted what she thought was impossible. She was falling in love with Alex. In fact, she considered herself already fallen. Of course, prior to this date, she could not have defined falling in love or even identified the value of the practice, but she was now absolutely certain love was real and she was in it, deeply, with him.
The realization had pulled her from her bed, throwing back the curtains and opening her windows wide. She had sucked in the early morning air, chilling her face and her lungs. She had found this incredible person, the man who made her feel whole, as though she was not deeply flawed. And he belonged to her sister, by Fern’s own doing! If she were to admit how she felt about him, Alex would end his courtship of Rose, and Rose would be devastated. She would certainly tell Alex how Fern deceived him at the ball. There was no possible scenario in which the two most important people in her life would forgive her, let alone love her.
Her exhausted mind continued racing, only vaguely aware of the chatter between her mother and aunt at the breakfast table.
“Fern?”
She blinked to clear her eyes and saw Rose watching her, delicate brows furrowed, over her tea.
“I’m sorry, I was…thinking about a book I need to finish.”
Aunt Margaret cleared her throat and shot Fern a wink. Fern wished she would develop the ability to truly become invisible.
“I can’t imagine there is anything in the library you have not yet finished, my dear,” her mother said airily, but Rose held Fern’s gaze.
“Mama, Fern and I were going to take a walk through the gardens,” Rose said, her voice light and pleasant. “Can we gather some flowers for you and Aunt Margaret?”
“Don’t you have errands to run in town?” Aunt Margaret asked with a smirk.
“That would be lovely,” her mother replied, ignoring her aunt’s remark. “Fern, do hurry back though. We have quite a bit of work to do if you are to be ready for next season.”
Fern’s stomach gave an unpleasant lurch. “I’m sorry?” she choked.
Lady Redborne smiled at her youngest child, although her voice was tight. “I decided it may be best for you to go to London after all. I thought you might try to have a season again and find someone to marry. Once Rose marries you will want to find a match of your own. You’ll be so lonely by yourself, my dear.”
“Of course,” she said, her breath catching. “I should hate to be lonely.”
