Fern swallowed, attempting to dislodge the lump in her throat. “Do you know him, Mama?”
Her mother pursed her lips. “Only by reputation.”
Fern exhaled slowly. “He is a friend of Mr. Carroway. I suppose he wanted to speak more with Rose, get to know her better before they marry.” Simply saying Alex’s name was becoming difficult.
Lady Redborne took Fern’s hand in hers. “Come with me, my dear.” Wordlessly, she led her youngest daughter into the music room and closed the door behind her. Fern sat by her side, her spine stiff.
“I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.”
Fern’s stomach dropped. Did her mother know what happened with Sylvester, or how she felt about Alex? “What do you mean?”
Lady Redborne smoothed her daughter’s hair from her forehead and tucked it behind her ear. “You’ve been…troubled recently. Not yourself.” Her mother sighed. “It’s always difficult to read your emotions, but it’s been clear even to me.”
Fern dropped her gaze as her cheeks heated. When would she stop making things more difficult for the people she loved?
“It must be hard for you,” she continued, “seeing Rose fall in love and become engaged. I remember when my older sister married. I was terribly jealous. I was still so young, barely fifteen, but seeing my sister as the center of attention, not just from an adoring suitor but from everyone else in the family. Well,” she said with a wry smile, “I did not handle it terribly well, I must admit.”
“What happened?” Her posture began to relax. Fern could not recall the last time her mother had spoken to her at all without being scolded.
Her mother chuckled. “Oh, I was dreadful. I hid her gloves, stole letters from her betrothed. Once I spied on them kissing and told our father about it. He was livid!”
Fern couldn’t help her smile. “Did she ever forgive you?”
“Of course,” she replied, touching Fern’s cheek gently with her palm. “The love sisters share is different from what exists between a man and woman. Rose may fall in love with Mr. Carroway, but she will always love you first, and you her. It is a bond that cannot be broken. It can be strained and tested, but will never break.”
“But what if—” Fern stopped, attempting to calm her racing heart before speaking again. “What if I were to do something dreadful, something selfish.”
“Rose loves you,” her mother said, then paused, studying her wedding band for a moment before looking back at her youngest daughter. “Fern, I know I have been hard on you, perhaps too much so.” Her mother’s eyes glistened. “You were always a challenge, not because you meant to be but because you were always so muchmorethan the other girls.”
“How so?” Fern said, her voice trembling.
“You experience the world more intensely than other people. The sounds are louder, the air is fresher, the sun is brighter. And you expect more from the people around you because of it. And while I have called you difficult, I fear I missed so much of the beauty that is you, Fern. It’s what makes you special.”
A tear fell from her mother’s eye, and Fern felt as though her heart was being wrenched apart. How many times had she characterized her mother as overbearing, dismissed her as vapid, or unkind?
Her mother stared at her hands before speaking again. “I did not know how to raise a child like you, Fern. You are so much like your father, but when he wasn’t here…” Another tear spilled down her cheek. “I have treated you badly because of my inadequacy. But I always loved you. You have always been deserving of more than what I have given you.”
“Mama, that’s not true. I always knew you loved me.”
“But I did not show it as well as I should have.” Lady Redborne reached out and pulled her daughter into her arms. For the first time in as long as she could remember, Fern did not resist, dropping her head against her mother’s shoulder.
“You are truly exceptional, my beautiful girl,” she said, stroking Fern’s unruly hair. “And someday a man will discover you and see you and love you. He will not try to change you as I have, but will value you just as you are.” Her mother sat back, taking Fern’s cheeks in her palms.
“When you find someone who loves you, who makes you feel beautiful and brilliant, who becomes a better person when he is with you, then you will have found love. I found that love with your father, and I want nothing less for you.”
“But— but what if it is impossible? If he can’t love me forever?”
Lady Redborne’s head tilted as she considered her daughter. “Love is precious, and it is fleeting. If you find such love, you must do everything in your power to cherish it for as long as you have it, whether it is years or merely hours.”
Fern pulled her mother close again, letting her tears fall against the fine linen of her mother’s dress, and her mother held her daughter until she had no more tears to shed.
When Fern returned to the parlor to find Lord Henry and Rose deep in conversation about the upcoming London season, she had made up her mind. And as the young lord kissed her hand in farewell, she pressed a folded paper into his hand and he nodded in understanding.
What she felt for Alex was love, and it was pure and so fragile. After seeing her at her lowest point, Alex hadstayed, he had always stayed for her and had seen the good in her when no one else did. He was the only person who never gave up on her.
There was no point in hoping for a future in which they could be together. Too many obstacles stood in their way. But she could havehim, could let herself feel everything she desired, all the safety and comfort and pleasure her body and heart craved.
Tonight Fern would follow her mother’s advice. Love is indeed fleeting, and it is worth fighting for.
