Her gaze narrowed. “But I wasn’t enough. You wanted the opium more than me.”
At his nod, she tugged her hand away and stood, pacing up and down the stall. “So you left me on the morning after our wedding without a word?”
He stood and blocked her path. “I left you anote—”
“A note where you said youhadto leave me, as though you had no choice.”
“I didn’t.” His hands flexed at his sides, desperate to hold her, to absorb the pain from her skin into his.
“What have you been doing for eight years?” Her lower lip was vibrating with her fury. “Gallivanting about Europe’s finest opium dens, whoring and wasting away while I worried over you? While I remained faithful to you?”
He stepped into her space, knowing she might lash out but too bruised by her sorrow to leave her be. “I upheld our marriage vows, Lily.”
“Hogwash,” she spat.
“I never took a woman into my bed. You were the only one I wanted—”
“Aside from the drug.” Now she advanced on him, no longer hiding her anger. Tears streamed openly down her cheeks, and she made no move to wipe them away. “You have no idea what it was like after you left. “I had to go to our wedding breakfast and make excuses for you, pretending you were resting your leg. And that was only the beginning.”
“Lily,” he breathed, unsure if he could maintain his strength hearing what she said next. Knowing precisely what he’d done to her.
“I lied toeveryonefor you. Claimed you had business on the continent, or you were visiting friends in the Highlands for months on end. Lies upon lies, and I was sure no one believed me, but they’d never question me. Do you know why?”
He swallowed, his throat suddenly too tight, and shook his head.
Her hazel eyes flashed. “Because they pitied me. And the only person I wouldn’t lie to was myself. You weregone, Philip. You vowed to honor me, to protect me and cherish me. Toloveme. And you broke all those promises.”
“I never stopped loving you. It was the only thing that kept me from succumbing to my demons, knowing I would come back to you. Tous.”
She pressed her hands to his chest and pushed, and he rocked onto his heels as she whirled away, shrugging off his greatcoat and letting it fall to the ground. “There is nousto return to. You abandoned me when I most needed you, whenyoumost neededme.” She picked up her jacket from where she’d discarded it on a hay bale and shrugged it on. “I’ve built a life without you, Philip, and there’s no space for you in it.”
The words struck like a blow, pummeling fists that cracked his ribs and teeth and jaw. But he’d come so far to return to her, and he wasn’t about to surrender.
She was nearly at the stable door when he called to her. “Do you plan to storm in there and toss my bags in the snow? Because your mother and nephews will certainly notice.”
She stilled at the threshold, and when she turned to face him, he saw nothing but pure loathing on her face.
He could manage loathing. At least she felt something for him, even if it was a desire to tear him limb from limb.
“Three days,” she said, her words colder than the snow blanketing the estate. “You will be the perfect gentleman for three days and give my family the Christmas they deserve. Then you’ll leave and never darken my doorstep again.”
“Three days,” he echoed, even as his soul felt like it was being torn out through his rib cage. “You’ll listen to my explanation, then?”
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed, and he longed to pull her close and wipe away her pain. “I’ll listen to you, but I don’t have to forgive you.”
How those words lit a fuse inside him, hope blooming like a fire deep in his chest. He stalked forward until she had to crane her neck to meet his gaze, but she didn’t back down.
Good. Neither would he.
“I’ll endeavor to make this Christmas perfect.”
Her gaze dipped to his lips for the barest moment before snapping to his eyes once more. “See that you do.”
“But be prepared.” He lowered his head the slightest bit, and her mouth parted on a silent gasp. “I’m not leaving again. You can say three days, but it’s going to be the rest of our lives. I’ve battled far worse than a woman who hates me.” He dragged his gaze over the slashes of her brows, the angry curl in her lips. “You are my wife. I never stopped loving you, nor do I ever intend to.”
He expected her fury, but instead her shoulders hunched, as though he’d exhausted her. And this, more than her anger, gutted him.
How long had she been this drained, a shell of the woman he’d loved? She had been sunshine and sparkling brilliance when they met, but he’d extinguished that light with his absence, created the shadowy monster of doubt who lived inside her and convinced her she was unworthy.
