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I took a deep breath and stopped him outside the entrance. There was something I wanted to give him while I was with my mom. It was a piece of me—a raw, exposed part of me that I knew he would keep safe. I pulled the folded piece of paper from my purse.
My lips suddenly felt dry. “If you want to read the letter that I wrote to my mom, here it is. There’s no pressure though.”
He took the letter as if it was sacred. “I want every piece of you that you’ll let me have. Thank you.”
We walked toward the doors, and they automatically opened.
A woman dressed in scrubs sat behind the counter. She was elderly but had a friendly smile. “How may I help you, dear?”
She was the type of person I wanted to read me bedtime stories at night.
“I’m here for an appointment with Christine Pearson.”
The nurse’s name tag had Clarice imprinted on it. “Hey, Ainsley. Your mom has been excited to see you. I’m Clarice.” She looked warmly but inquisitively at Adam. “I don’t show another visitor for Christine.”
I responded, “He’s going to wait in the waiting room. I called and spoke to Sarah, who said it would be okay since he was driving me here and back. His name is Adam Ryker.”
Clarice stood. “Of course, my dear. Adam, the waiting room is right through that opening. I’ll be back to see if you need anything as soon as I take Ainsley to the Ocean Room.”
Adam looked at Clarice. “Thank you.” He turned to me and gave me a kiss right below my ear. “I’ll be waiting for you. Remember to be true to yourself. It will help you both.”
I turned my head and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. That small amount of contact helped soothe the butterflies swarming in my stomach. I started to follow Clarice through two large brown metal doors. The hallway was colorful and calming with the tranquil colors of the sea. It further helped soothe my anxiousness. We walked up to a room, and there was a blue wave insignia with the name of the room.
I stared at it as I awaited my fate on the other side of the blue door, wondering what the future held.
“It’s okay, Ainsley. Go on. This is an excellent part of the recovery process.”
Clarice’s words helped spur me into action. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, turned the knob, and opened the door. I walked inside and saw my mom sitting in the chair. She now had shoulder-length hair. She was in shorts and a purple cotton tank top. She never wore summer clothes. I had always assumed she avoided revealing clothing to conceal the bruises that my dad had given her.
My mom stood. “Ainsley, you look beautiful. I love you.”
She opened her arms, and I ran straight into them. Tears seeped from my eyes. There was something indescribably secure about being in my mother’s arms.
“Mom, I have you back. I love you, too.”
My mom’s arms cocooned me, and the tears fell faster and faster. She seemed so much better than the last time I’d seen her.
After a time, a voice cleared from behind us. “Ainsley, I’m Doctor Jacobs. Thank you for joining your mother and me in this reconnection session.”
I pulled back and smiled at my mom. As I wiped the tears, I turned. “Hi, Doctor Jacobs. Sorry about that. It’s wonderful to see my mom this way.”
The doctor was relaxed. I liked her demeanor.
“There’s no need to apologize. It’s hard to be away from someone we love for a while. Why don’t you both sit down on the couch, and we’ll start? Christine has something she’d like to say.”
I nodded my head. “Yes, yes, I’d love that. Whatever we need to do.”
My mom led us to the couch, and I took my seat about a foot away. She was different and still my mom at the same time. Adam was right. I felt like a stranger, but it was somehow familiar.
My surroundings were starting to come into focus. The room was a soft blue, and pictures of the sea hung on the walls. A seashell lamp was in the corner on the table.
I glanced over at Doctor Jacobs. She was about my mother’s age with dark black hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. The doctor wore white capris with a light blue top. Dark-rimmed glasses framed her eyes.
“Christine, why don’t you read the note you wrote for Ainsley in our last session? Then, we can go from there.”
The doctor discreetly wrote something down in her notebook.
My mom took a note from the white wicker table and turned my way. Her hands were shaking slightly, and a tear fell down her cheek. Besides the day of the intervention, this was the most emotionally exposed I had ever seen her.
She cleared her throat. “Ainsley, the other day during a session with Doctor Jacobs after all my learning and self-discovery, I was challenged to write a note to you. The subject was left open, and it was up to me to write whatever I thought. So, this is my note to you.”
My mom unfolded the note. I didn’t know what to say as insecure thoughts started racing through my mind.
“My dearest Ainsley, you have always been the light of my life, even on the dreariest of days. Each morning, when you would come down the stairs, you were my sun even though my nights had been storms. After you came with Jason for my intervention, I know that you knew about all those stormy nights and what your father had done to me. Ainsley, yes, your father abused me both physically and mentally. We were married for one week before he hit me for the first time. He begged and pleaded for me not to leave him. Finally, I agreed to stay. It was three months later before he struck me again. The cycle started repeating itself until I got pregnant with you.
“Then, it stopped, and I thought whatever beast was tormenting your father had been soothed with the news of the new life we had created. For a year after you were born, things were good between us. We were a family.
“Then, my father died, leaving a sizeable amount of money along with the deed to our house to me. My dad, your grandfather, was a powerful man. See, Ainsley, the house and all the wealth was from my side of the family. Gerald was adamant that you never know about the trust fund I had received from my father. A stipulation in the trust stated that as long as I stayed married to Gerald, I would only receive enough to pay the bills each month. My father detested Gerald and repeatedly tried to get me to leave him after seeing a bruise on my face. That was when Gerald stopped hitting me in places that people could see. Once my father died, Gerald threatened my mother, saying if she ever stepped over the line, you and I would be taken from her forever. We were all she had left, and she loved us dearly.
“So, from there, the beatings started happening on a regular basis. At first, I fought back and threatened to leave him, but then he threatened to take you from me. Gerald said he would disappear forever, and you would call someone else mommy and never know the difference.
“When you’re in the situation, it becomes murky as to what is up and down. You begin blaming yourself for all that is happening. That’s not the case though. I realize now that I’m not at fault.
“Ainsley, I had prayed that you would never know what was happening, but now that I know the truth, I should have noticed how you were deteriorating throughout the years as the realities of what was going on took root in your mind. My one and only goal in all this was to keep you safe. I didn’t want you tainted from all the ugliness.
“When you showed up with Adam, I saw the spark that had been missing from your eyes for all those years. He’s ignited something within you, Ainsley, and I couldn’t be happier.
“In one of our group sessions here at the center, we watched videos as to what children of abuse thought of themselves, and my heart ached. There was one common theme that occurred with all the videos. The children blamed themselves for not helping the pare
nt who was being abused. They thought they should have fought for their parents, that they should have done something to help. Sweetie, I can see you doing that, and I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You and I are both innocent bystanders in all this. There was nothing you could have done.”
Tears were streaming down my mom’s face, and my vision had become blurry as the truth was being said out loud in the open. The truth felt like it was setting us free, and all those years of being sentenced to our silent prison seemed as if they had led to this moment of clarity and healing.
“Mom—”
My mom gently cut me off, “Ainsley, I have one last bit to read, and then we can talk. I want to get it all out in the open.”
I nodded, and she wiped her eyes.
“At the party, when I found out your father was there, I panicked. My hair and outfit had not been what he would have allowed me to wear. It was too colorful and bright. I was violating so many rules that I knew something was going to happen, and I slipped into old habits. Then, two days after the party, your father called me and asked what poison I had put in your head against him. He asked if I remembered what used to happen when I disobeyed him. That caused me to regress, and I retreated to a time when I followed the rules precisely.
“I hate that Adam had to witness that, but in the end, I’m thankful that I’m now getting the help I need. I love you with my entire heart, Ainsley. I always have and always will. I look forward to being a part of your life as me, the real me. I want to see you grow in your love and be there when you get married and have babies of your own. Thank you for saving me.”
I leaned over and grabbed my mom. In between sobs, I said, “I love you. Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for coming here. I have you back.”
Her words had been beautiful, raw, and honest. They were the epitome of what I craved in a relationship in order to have trust. The wounds that had cut bone deep seemed like they were beginning to close infinitesimally.
Doctor Jacobs spoke, “That was beautiful, Christine. Before today, I hadn’t heard what your mom wrote, Ainsley. I wanted you to know that all those words were from your mother’s heart without any feedback or discussion from anyone else. How does that make you feel, Ainsley—hearing those words from your mom?”
