Reno took in a long breath and answered, “I’m not so sure. Usually, I feel like I am, but I think you might be my weakness. I think of you and am terrified of you being hurt, of hurting you.”
“You,” Luka wanted to argue. He wanted to say again that Reno needed to let Luka stand on his own feet, to stand beside Reno in everything they did. That protecting Luka was hurting him. “Hikaru?”
“Luka?”
“I love you.”
Reno swallowed, then his hand found Luka’s cheek to caress him gently. “And I, you.”
“What are we going to do about that?’
“Live together, grow old together.”
“What if we can’t?” Luka pressed his face into Reno’s hand. “What if it’s not enough to love you?”
“You say such horrible things, sometimes.”
“I’m sorry.”
Reno sighed, then slowly stood. He held a towel out for Luka, who stood up from the cooling water and let himself be wrapped in its softness. Reno placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before helping dry his hair enough so they could lie in bed together.
Reno held him under the blankets, their skin pressed together and his head tucked into the hollow of Luka’s throat. And as Luka started to doze off, he realized Reno didn’t agree or disagree with Luka about them going public.
When they woke up together, Reno took Luka into his hands and kissed him desperately. Something about it felt like a cry for help, even as Reno bit into the places he’d learned Luka loved, even as he deftly brought Luka to climax, even as he planted soft kisses to the inside of Luka’s knee. Luka watched Reno through hooded eyes as he clung to Luka, digging his sharp nailsinto Luka’s skin, panting heavily against his collar bone, and when they were a mess of sweat and limbs on the sheets, the comforter kicked onto the ground somewhere, Luka could feel Reno shaking.
Was it enough?
Reno’s alarm went off and he gently cleaned them both, his hands so delicate and careful Luka wanted to scream. The kiss he left on Luka’s temple before heading to the studio lingered, his lips barely pressing against Luka.
Reno was still trembling.
Luka wanted to hold him by the wrist, to ask him to stay. He wanted to demand answers. He wanted to plan. He wanted to go with him, to have a say, tohelp. But Reno slipped from his grasp and was gone again before Luka could figure out how to ask if he could stand by Reno’s side.
By the time Luka was off work, Reno was asleep.
When Luka woke, Reno was at the studio.
When Reno came home, Luka was working again.
Days were passing.
Luka tasted Reno’s fear like salt in the air.
Was it enough?
Luka asked what Reno was planning, and Reno dodged the question. He asked if he could help, and Reno said no, that he had it handled. He asked if things were any better yet, and Reno said no to that, too.
They ate together that night in silence, then fell into bed, kissing in a way that hurt, and Luka knew the answer.
“It's not enough,” Luka admitted a week after things fell apart.
Reno looked at him, hovering over Luka’s body with sweat at his temple and his cheeks flushed. It was bad timing on Luka’s part, but he felt like he was going to burst, overripe.
“I need you to please stop touching me.”
Reno pulled away, putting a good amount of distance between them. “What can I do?”
Luka lay there, panting, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to think of how to say what he needed to say. He rubbed at his eyes, feeling them burning. “I need you to let me stand by you.”
