“Deciding if I should throw my phone out the window.”
August rolled the window back up.
Luka let it happen, slumping back into the seat.
“Expensive,” August reminded him. “Phones are expensive. Also, that's littering.”
Luka didn’t respond; instead he put his phone down and pressed his hands to his eyes. He could feel them welling up, burning, and his chest felt too tight.
“What’s going on?” August turned the music down and Luka reached out to turn it back up. “Okay, I’ll ask later then.”
Luka loved August so much. “Thank you.”
Reno
I need a moment.
Okay
A moment turned into many as Luka tossed his phone onto the floorboard and curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his legs.
Ten years.
He tried not to choke when he thought of the last ten years of his life. One bad relationship to the next, the constant battle of not feeling like enough, of trying so hard for so long to do his best with his art and never breaking through to recognition, his parents cutting him off when he came out, years piled on top of years of feeling misunderstood and second rate by the people around him.
His friends were mostly good, but Luka had walked through his childhood into adulthood never being the person someone pickedfirst. Even with his past partners, he’d never come first in their lives, always feeling like he had to beg for attention and affection, and he never really understood why. It was easy for people to walk in and out of his life, even Maria and he could go years without talking sometimes. All of his friends had someone else more important to them than Luka.
Ten years.
Someone had thought of him for ten years.
Someone couldn’t forget him.
Luka fought with himself, trying not to break down completely so August wouldn’t feel obligated to pull over and console him. He held back tears, wondering just what he’d done all that time ago to possibly be memorable. He wished his memory served him better, so maybe he could pick apart that night and try to see it from Reno’s perspective. But he could only remember flashes of it, the color of Reno’s hair, the few stars in the sky, the smell of fallen leaves, the taste of smoke.
It didn’t make sense.
His gut sank. What if Reno actually got to know him and Luka became what he always was? Forgettable, easy to abandon,not so special after all. He knew he could be difficult to like, cynical, depressing, and aggressive when pushed. He had always had difficulty believing people when they said he was kind, or that he deserved to be treated well but here was Reno, practically throwing himself at Luka. He didn’t trust it, didn’t trust it would last.
The kind words and the attention never lasted.
He remembered to breathe, willed his eyes to stop burning, and pulled the beanie off his head to comb his fingers through his hair.
So what?
August always said it was better to try to accept things than to push them away just because you didn’t understand them. If he remembered right, they had been discussing something political but he thought of it now, regardless. It wouldn’t do Luka any favors to push Reno away just because he couldn’t understand the man’s motives.
He wiped at his face and caught a peek at how red his eyes looked in the side mirror.
“Can we stop at the next gas station?” Luka asked. “I need chocolate.”
“Course,” August replied easily, before merging into the right lane.
Luka reached down for his phone. “Thanks,” he said as he grabbed it and checked the screen.
Maria
U ok? U went quiet
