“It wasn’t even anactualtouch. Just a brush. Barely anything.” I exhaled hard, shaking my head to keep myself from laughing. “I’ve replayed it in my head like it meant something.”
“Did it?”
I let my head fall back against the cushion. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? I don’tknow. It was a fake kiss, a throwaway touch, a man trying to get his ex off his back — but he came back tome. After all this time. After nothing.”
“And that made it feel real?”
“It made it feelpossible.” I hated the way my voice cracked at the end. Like the hope had gotten too big to hide behind my ribs.
“And thatscares you?”
I looked up at the ceiling, praying I could fight back the tears. “Terrifies me. Because I’ve done this before. With Joel. I built an entire fantasy out of scraps and then hated myself when it didn’t hold up.”
I turned my face, speaking into the cushion now. “What if I’m doing it again? What if I’m making him into something he’s not?”
Dr. Tilly gave me a moment before speaking. A god-awfulforever,kind of moment. “Is it that you’re making him into something he’s not… or that you’re afraid to believe someonecouldbe different?”
I blinked.
“I mean, what if hemeantit?” my (stupid) therapist said softly. “What if he came to the storebecausehe missed you?”
“But he didn’t say that.”
“No. But you didn’t ask, either.”
I sat up. My hands were shaking. “I don’t think I can handle wanting someone again.”
Dr. Tilly looked at me gently, smiled. “Maybe not, Juniper. But you already do.” She tapped her pen against her notepad. “Let’s go back to what you said before. About feeling like you're… spiraling.”
I dragged a hand down my face. “Right. That.”
“What’s the spiral about, specifically?”
“I don’t know.” I said it too fast. Sighed. “It’s just… he showed up, and suddenly I’m thirteen again. Completely insane. Fantasizing about things that never evenremotelyhappened.”
Dr. Tilly raised an eyebrow. “Thirteen?”
I groaned. “Oh god. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it makes itso much worse.”
Dr. Tilly just waited.
I threw my hands up. “Fine. You want full disclosure? I had amassivecelebrity crush on him when I was a kid. Like the mostembarrassing kind. Posters on the wall. Screen caps on my iPod. Watching that one stupid movie over and over just to pause when he looked a certain way.”
“What kind of celebrity?”
“It was major. Have you ever heard of ‘Battle of the Cosmos’? Girls my age lost theirminds. I was obsessed. Fully deranged. Like I knew everything about him — who he was dating, what car he drove, how he took his coffee. It was pathetic.”
She nodded. “My dad was a fan.” Dr. Tilly’s mouth quirked. “And now?”
“Now?” I buried my face in my hands. “Now he’s real. In my store. Leaning on my counter. Messaging me. Being… nice. And familiar. And kind of devastating.”
“Have you told him any of this?”
“Are youinsane?”
