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Everything was a mess in my head. All I had known was being questioned.
A sadness swept over me. In twenty-four hours I’d not only lost my mom, but my best friend. If I had told him, would he have come with me? I wasn’t sure—or that was what I was telling myself to lessen the guilt.
Until now, my mind had been trying to comprehend the sensory overload I was experiencing. An ache in my heart spread through my chest as I wondered what Matthew was doing. I’d never know what happened to him, be able to talk to him, feel the comfort of his presence again. The full impact hit me as tears escape my eyes.
After about thirty minutes of walking and introspectively thinking, I approached the big blue sign that said Walmart. The parking lot was packed which seemed promising.
Walking to the doors, they automatically opened. I stepped through and was greeted by the blissful cool air. Part of me wanted to step back out to repeat the process again to see the doors move like magic, but that would look foolish.
The lights from the store lit the place up. Unable to move from the front door, I stood there and took it all in. People were bustling in and out quickly. Stations at the front of the store had customers with the carts lined up as people with blue shirts ran items over a belt. There was so much going on, I was rooted in place.
Someone accidentally bumped me causing me to take a step forward, snapping me out of my moment of awe. The sound of the metal carts being separated had me gravitating toward them. This was what people used to shop.
An older man in a blue vest greeted me. His demeanor was gentle and helped ease the overwhelming sensations. “Welcome to Walmart. Let us know if we can help you find anything.”
“I-I-I will. Thank you.”
Taking the cart, the metal felt cool against my hands. I used it to anchor me to the ground and stay focused. There were so many people. So many things. I’d never seen an abundance like this of anything. Maybe it was a good idea to look at everything in the store before I made a decision on what I needed.
TWO HOURS LATER, I left the store with a full stomach, new clothes, grooming essentials, water bottle, and protein bars. My mind was frazzled from all the choices. Literally, someone could survive in a Walmart store. They had everything.
Throughout the store, employees had offered samples of dishes. Food was bland back home, but the flavors of the little bites I tried burst across my tongue. I loved Walmart.
Looking down at my legs, I kept telling myself that it was okay to wear what they called shorts. To show that much skin was not allowed at The Society. However, I wasn’t in The Society anymore. I was in Fayetteville.
New place, new rules, new expectations.
Walmart had been the one-stop shop as promised. For now, I settled on travel size shampoo, conditioner, razors, soap, and deodorant. It was strange what pieces of The Society had integrated from the outside world. We made our own shampoo, soap, and deodorant, but had razors to shave our legs that came from the outside world. The Light required us to keep ourselves shaven and therefore razors were considered an essential.
When asked once by another Charge, The Keeper said he traded things we made for the essentials we needed which was deemed okay by The Light. I’d probably never understand the reasons behind the different rules that were spun from lies.
As I walked, I continued to watch everyone closely, making sure The Society hadn’t found me. So far, even though it was only a day, I hadn’t seen anyone I knew. All I wanted to do was find a place where I could close my eyes and relax.
Now, it was onto the shelter. Per the information on the shelter’s website, check-in wasn’t for two hours. They encouraged people to show up early if they needed a guaranteed spot. Getting cleaned up and a decent night sleep was first on my agenda.
The placement test had me nervous. At this point, I either knew it or I didn’t. The teaching sessions with Mom hopefully were enough. I treasured those memories of learning anytime we were alone. Working math problems in flour as we cooked had been my writing tablet that was untraceable.
I was still apprehensive, scared, and overwhelmed from all that was thrown at me, but if I wallowed in it, I’d never survive. One step at a time. Each thing I faced, I’d take in stride and try to learn as quickly as possible. As some of the pieces fell into place, my mom’s explanation of the unauthorized education made more sense as I thought back to a night right before bedtime.
We laid in bed after our candles had been lit. The wind howled from the outside as a storm battered our small house. The large moon casted shadows along the wall.
“Mom, why do you teach me in private without the Keeper knowing? Shouldn’t we ask the Keeper to speak to The Light?” My voice was a low whisper.
My mom shifted over to where I could see her eyes. Sometimes when I looked at my mom, I felt like I was looking at myself in the future.
Pensively, she thought for a moment. “Sarah, sometimes we have to do what’s right even though it may be against the norm. Knowledge is power and it will someday help you make decisions. I don’t want your choices limited.”
“Can Matthew be part of your sessions? I think he’d like them.” Matthew and I did as much as we could together. There was no doubt he wouldn’t enjoy the classes.
For a moment, Mom’s eyes focused on something else in the distance before looking back at me, pleading. “You can’t tell anyone, even Matthew, about my additional teachings. I’m asking you to trust me.”
Her words didn’t make sense, but my mom would never lie to me. She had a reason. Snuggling into her embrace, I breathed in my mom’s subtle vanilla scent from the soap we made.
Solemnly, I vowed, “I promise I won’t tell anyone. I love you, Mom.”
“Love you, too. You’re my world. All that I do and have done, I do for my love of you.”
Remembering those words, helped soothe the blooming irritation that had begun to take root in my mind. Tears streamed down my face and I hastily wiped them away. At some point, I would have the luxury to cry. I had to be strong. Dealing with my emotions wasn’t an option if I wanted to survive these next few crucial days.
