“You’ve been playing for quite some time, not that I’m complaining.” Olivia’s smile was supportive, as if she knew Amanda hadn’t quite embraced the holiday spirit, but wasn’t judging her. “Smithers has just brought the tea cart.”
“Smithers?” Amanda repeated, before she could catch herself.
“Hiro’s replacement,” her sister-in-law explained. “Older, and stuffier, but Benny has him wrapped around his smallest finger.”
Pretending that hearing Hiro’s name hadn’t caused a spike of pain in her chest, Amanda followed Olivia’s fond gaze to the rug in front of the tree, where her adorable—and as far as she was concerned, abnormally brilliant—nephew stretched on his back beside his father.
As she settled herself beside her sister-in-law, Amanda forced her attention to the here-and-now. “He is certainly ready for tonight’s visit from St. Nicholas, is he not?”
“Who, Alistair? Beyond a doubt—oh.” Olivia broke off with a little chuckle, as she leaned forward to pour. “You meant Benny, of course.”
“Well, Idohave to admit I don’t remember my brother being quite so enamored with the trappings of Christmastime.” Amanda watched her older brother—who’d been silent and distant for so much of her life—pointing at various special ornaments on the tree and humming along to his son’s constant chatter. “I suppose having a child about makes the holiday more interesting.”
As Olivia handed her a cup—oh, she’d remembered the sugar, lovely—she smiled gently. “Yes, and we’re all delighted to have you here to experience it. Thank you for joining us.”
“Oh, well, I could hardly miss it, could I?”
The platitude sounded weak to Amanda’s ears, so she hid her wince with a sip of tea. It was brewed well…but not as perfectly as Hiro’s.
Do not think of him. Not now. Olivia will wonder about the tears.
They’d only just settled back against the sofa when Amelia burst through the door in her usual bundle of energy. “Kip found a mama cat in the stables, Alistair, ready to pop. I had Smithers fetch her a box and we’ve installed her in the kitchens.” She sighed happily as she plopped beside Amanda. “Perhaps we will have kittens for Christmas tomorrow!”
“I’m not eating kittens,” intoned Olivia solemnly.
Amanda shrugged, playing along. “Oh, I do not know. Depending on how they are prepared, I can imagine?—”
Her sister gave a shriek and playfully slapped Amanda’s leg, just as Benny began cheering, “Kitties! Kitties” and Alistair did his best to distract him.
Amanda’s smile was genuine as she leaned her shoulder against her sister’s. “I am teasing. I have never eaten a kitten.”That I know of. “But is that the accepted way to prepare for an imminent birth? A box in the kitchens? Should we have Kip arrange such a thing when your time grows near?”
As Amelia blushed happily, her hand dropping to her stomach, Olivia smirked. “Oh no, everyone knows it’s a manger in a stable, right?”
“Only for a Christmas birth,” Amelia pointed out.
“Only for avirginbirth,” Amanda quipped.
“Well, that leaves out Amelia,” sighed Olivia. “She’s nowhereneara virgin. Remind me to move her and Kip to the west wing next time so we don’t have to listen to the two of them carrying on?—”
Amelia shrieked again, reaching for a pillow to throw at their sister-in-law, as Amanda and Olivia dissolved into giggles.
She was glad she’d come to Effinghell for Christmas this year; being with Amelia and Olivia was like old times. But…
But it was impossible to deny that she was lonely. And, if she was being honest with herself, a bit jealous.
She watched the heated look Alistair sent his wife, even as their heir did his best to stand on his father’s face. She saw the way Amelia held Kip’s hand whenever they were together. And yes, she’dheardthe pair of them expressing their love, more than once.
More than twice, come to think of it.
And Amanda was jealous.
She was jealous of her own siblings.
Not because they’d found love, but because they couldshowit so freely.
She loved Hiro, but their love was secret, quiet. Behind closed doors, only, and then as silent as possible.
She wanted to scream his name, she wanted to hold his hand. She wanted him to be welcome here at her family’s Christmas, and she wanted to be welcome inhishome.
