Nate grins and says, “What? I’ll probably go for seconds.”
I laugh. “Where does it even go? You’re so skinny.”
He just winks at me. “Have you seen how big my ass is?”
I smile with a low chuckle.
I look across the yard and see Roman and Spencer deep in conversation with my parents, barking dogs weaving around their legs. With everyone distracted, I take the opportunity to ask Nate about what I heard Roman say.
I lean in and whisper, “I might be crazy or paranoid, but…was Roman talking about how people on my old team were repulsed when they heard rumors that I was gay?”
Nate frowns. “Honestly, I wasn’t gonna bring it up. But yeah, he mentioned it to me. He told me it was only two or three guys, and they were just douchebags. He said, other than that small group of a-holes, the rest of the team either didn’t give a shit or openly supported you.”
I nod slowly, then smile a little. “When I overheard it, I started to feel this panic rush through me, it felt like adrenaline rushed through my veins. Everything felt dizzy, and it was hard to catch my breath. But then I looked around, looked at everyone here, and I just simmered down.”
Nate smiles back. “See, bae? That’s exactly how you gotta think. Who the fuck cares what those assholes think? All you should care about is yourself and beating Boston.”
I nod. “You’re right. We’re still in the playoff hunt, so it’s a must-win.”
Something about the way he said it pumps me up. I look at him and whisper, “Wanna go upstairs for a quickie?”
Nate gives me a look, trying to figure out if I’m serious.
I grin. “I’m fucking with you. But I'm gonna go take a leak. You should go have another drink. Get some wine or beer…you’re not playing later. Go get fucked up.”
Nate smirks. “Dude, your brothers and I have been drinking this whole time. I’ve had like, two drinks.”
I gasp, mock-dramatic, covering my mouth with both hands. “Oh. Two whole drinks? Wow. You’re really going hard.”
He points toward the house. “Don’t you have to piss?”
“Right. Good point,” I say, and head inside.
It feels like the longest piss of my life. And when I walk out of the bathroom, my mom is already waiting in the kitchen, finger pointed, clearly trying to lure me over.
“Carter,” she says. “One sec. Get over here. I’m still your mother. I don’t care if you’re this big-shot football player.”
I sigh. “Fine. Just don’t call me that again, please.”
She put her skinny arms on her waist. “Fine.”
I walk over, knowing exactly where this is going.
She looks at me and says, “Listen. I know you don’t wanna hear this, but I feel like you’ve been evading this topic for too long. Carter, you barely talk to me about your personal life or how you’re feeling inside. It feels like you are purposely distancing yourself from me and the family. It’s ridiculous, you don’t even talk about your boyfriend, whom you’re clearly in love with. Who is awesome, by the way. But you need to open up more. I’m your number one supporter. Always have been. Always will be. The good and the bad.”
I start to say something, but she holds up a finger.
“I’m not done,” she says. “This isn’t about football anymore. This is about your mental health and your relationship. Everyone who matters already knows about your sexuality, and they love you. But for your own sanity, I feel like you need to rip off the Band-Aid. I know it’s ridiculous that people still have to come out in this day and age, but you’re in the spotlight. And if you want this thing with Nate to last, it’s only fair he doesn’t have to hide too.”
I nod, my chest tightening, knowing how smart and right she is.
“I understand anxiety, Carter,” she continues. “I’ve had many anxiety attacks in my life. I’ve lived with anxiety most of my life. Sometimes it’s triggered by something, but sometimes it just happens for no reason. But I promise you, if you open up more and stop worrying about how others perceive you, you’ll feel lighter in the long run. Your mental health is more important than anything.”
I look at her, overwhelmed with admiration and love. I’ve always suspected she dealt with anxiety, but it’s not something we ever talked about. Neither of my brothers struggle with it, and neither does my dad. But maybe this is something my mom and I share and something we can connect over.
I take a breath. “I’ve been more open lately than I’ve ever been. And my anxiety’s been easing. Sure, I still get the random adrenaline rushes, with the panic surges, but I’m learning to ground myself. Nate’s been amazing for that. His presence calms me and makes me feel safe.”
She smiles, and I go on. “My relationship with him is the most important thing to me. I see a future with him. I love him more than anything. He’s the first person I’ve ever loved…romantically.”
