She’d always been my biggest weakness. I rolled to my side, staring through the blinds into the black velvet of night, but in my mind, I was sixteen again, parked in my old Chevette at the lake on the Nelsons’ farm, with Ali laying halfway over my lap as I kissed her senseless.
From the very beginning, we’d moved slowly when it came to our physical relationship. Not that I didn’t want her—God, did I. And in my dreams nearly every night, I did things to Ali that made it harder—no pun intended—to stop myself from pushing our boundaries.
We’d talked about it, because one thing Ali and I had going for us was complete openness. After I’d kissed her the first time on New Year’s Eve, she’d told me that she’d been afraid I’d never get around to it.
“I thought maybe . . . maybe you didn’t want to kiss me.” She’d glanced up at me through her eyelashes, her brown eyes unsure.
“I wanted to kiss you from that first day, when we covered the stupid sign dedication.” I traced one finger over the curve of her cheek, my heart skipping a beat when Ali closed her eyes and leaned her face into my palm. That small gesture of absolute trust made me fall in love with her a little more. I hadn’t thought it was possible.
“Then why did you wait?” She smiled, soft and dreamy.
“I wanted it to be special. And I wanted to make sure you knew that I like you foryou,not just because I wanted . . .” My face went red. “You know.”
“That’s the most amazing thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Ali slid her hand into mine. “It makes me feel . . . treasured.” She shook her head. “Does that sound hokey?”
“Nope. It sounds perfect.” I’d kissed her again, heady with the realization that I could do it any time I wanted. Well, within reason. We were careful around Ali’s parents and her brother, who always looked at me with narrowed eyes of suspicion. And we didn’t have a whole lot of alone time, other than moments stolen on her front porch when I dropped her off after dates. That was more than a little awkward, since we had to be driven by my sisters or my parents. We’d gotten adept at finding the shadowed spots on the porch, where we couldn’t be seen from the car.
But now, finally, I’d gotten my license, and even better, I’d inherited the ancient Chevette that had been Iona and Maureen’s first car. It wasn’t fancy or remotely cool, but it ran, and it meant freedom to drive out to the Reynolds’ farm whenever I wanted. And even better, freedom to drive out here on the old dirt road that connected Alex’s family farm with Ali’s, through the woods until we got to the edge of the small lake.
I pulled the keys out of the ignition and ratcheted my seat back as far as it would go, stretching my legs. Ali unclicked her seat belt and turned toward me, a smile of promise on her face.
She leaned over the gear shift and rested her forearms on my chest. “Hi.” The single whispered word shot straight to my crotch, making my jeans a lot tighter than they’d been a minute before. I felt the soft promise of her boobs teasing against my chest, and I swallowed hard.
Ali lowered her mouth to mine. I circled my arms around her waist, running my hands up and down her back as her lips angled, needing to get closer. I teased her with my tongue until she opened to me, giving me free access to sweep over her teeth, stroke the inside of her lips and tangle with her tongue. She slid her arms up, around my neck, so that the upper part of her body was pressed against me. I was pretty sure she had to be feeling my heart thudding.
“Ouch!” Ali jerked back, rubbing her hand over her hip. “Sorry. The parking brake poked me in the side.” She pushed back to sit in her own seat. “Don’t get me wrong, Flynn, I love that you have a car now, but I wouldn’t have minded something with a bench seat in the front.”
I laughed, shifting to hide the bulge between my legs. “They don’t make cars with bench seats anymore.” I turned to look behind us. “There’s always the backseat, I guess, but it feels a little cliché. And it’s not much bigger.” I picked up her hand from where it rested on her knee and kissed the inside of her wrist. I was still riled up and getting more desperate by the minute to touch her again. “I have a blanket in the trunk. I guess we could go sit out by the lake.”
Ali cocked her head. “You don’t sound like you want to do that.”
I laced my fingers into hers and squeezed, pressing our palms together. “Ali, don’t ever think I don’t want to touch you. God, right now, all I want is . . .” I took a deep breath. “I can’t even say it, because if I do, I’ll end up making it happen.”
“Why don’t you?” She smiled and raised our joined hands to her lips.
“I think . . .” This wasn’t going to be easy. Not when part of me—the part that was a distance south of my cerebral cortex—was screaming that I was an idiot. “I want you, Ali. I want to kiss you all the time. I want to touch you all over. I want to peel off all your clothes, and let you take off mine, and lay out there on the blanket, skin to skin, nothing between us but the night air.”God, I was a fool.“But I like you a lot. You’re more than just my girlfriend, you’re my best friend.” I reached across and tucked a strand of her silky hair behind her ear. “I want to make love to you.” Saying the words made it so real, the throbbing under my zipper became almost unbearable. “But I want us to be ready. Both of us. I want us to make the decision together, so we have no regrets. When we’re together, really together, I want it to be the best moment of our lives. Something we never forget. Something we think about for the rest of our lives.”
When I dared to look into Ali’s eyes, I was half-afraid I’d see incredulity and maybe even scorn. What I was saying wasn’t exactly popular philosophy among high school students. But instead, I saw the sheen of tears and the unmistakable glow of love.
I recognized that expression. I’d seen it in my mother’s eyes when she looked at my father, and in Iona’s when she talked about Mark. I’d known for a while it was how I looked at Ali. Love was more than just the girlfriend/boyfriend stuff that went on all around us at school. It was a big deal, life-changing and forever. It was Ali and me, together against the world for the rest of our lives.
That was exactly what I wanted. And why I was willing to wait for sex. Getting it right was more important than getting it right away.
“How did I ever get lucky enough to deserve you?” Ali laid her head on the back of the seat. “What do you see in me? I’m not special.”
“You’re the most special. Ali, you’re beautiful, and not just on the outside. You’re nice to people, you’re funny, and . . .” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t describe it. I just know it.”
“I love you, Flynn.” She said it as though she couldn’t help it, as though the words surprised her as much as they did me. “I—I know that sounds weird, or maybe you’re not ready—”
“I love you, Ali.” I spoke before she could backtrack anymore. “I’ve loved you for a long time. It’s not weird. It justis.”
“When did you know?”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure she’d want to hear this, to know the truth. But I’d promised to be honest and open with her always. “It was after your parents. After the accident.”
There was a brief flare of pain on her face, but she didn’t look away, so I went on. “You were hurting so much, and you were so sad. Crushed. I knew then that I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to do anything to make sure you never had to feel that way again, for the rest of your life. I never want to be away from you.” I sucked in a breath and for the first time, I spoke the words that would both define us and doom us. “I want you to come with me, Ali, when I leave Burton. This town, it’s just . . . too small. I’m getting out of here as soon as we graduate. I’m going to see the world. I’m going to travel as far as I can, for as long as I can. And I want you to come with me.”
For a moment, Ali didn’t move. She watched me, and I could tell she was digesting what I’d just said.
