“We don’t really use the word ‘crazy’ anymore,” Willow said. “We prefer the term ‘alternate perception of reality.’ Don’t worry, Roan understands. He too is getting in touch with his vegan feminine side. Isn’t that right, Rainbow Cakes?”
It was obviously taking every bit of Tank’s self-control not to completely lose it on them. Behind him, Clarissa was acting with her eyes, encouraging Roan with a tilt of her head to let it continue.
Roan kept his face carefully blank, making sure his eyes did not betray this clearly staged event.
“You expect me to believe you gelded him and made Roan a vegan?” Tank demanded.
Willow clicked her tongue. “More outdated expectations. Roan's been a vegan since we started dating.”
Tank set his chin, having no difficulty remembering the March North Star Cafe brunch where Roan had definitely not been vegan. And supposedly dating Willow at the time. “I see. You know he’s not a real vegan, right?”
“Yes, he is. My special man-rainbow would never lie to me,” Willow projected confidence.
“Someone's a liar.” Tank stomped over to the fridge and flung it open, taking the calculated risk that Roan hadn't hidden all evidence. Sure enough, there was a clearly labeled half-eaten container of Kung Pau Chicken right in front of the notorious not-gluten-free vanilla cupcakes. “See?”
The container had not been there earlier and was likely another piece smuggled in during Drew's quiet 'help' with the party.
Willow’s hands went to her cheeks, and she did an excellent job of conveying shock. Clarissa, still out of Tank's line of sight, was practically gleeful. “Roan, tell me those aren’t yours! How could you eat flesh and then kiss me?”
Not to be outdone, Tank pulled the entire container of chicken out and grabbed a fork. “Come to the dark side, man. No amount of pussy is worth that total batshit insanity. The dark side has cookies, Kung Pao chicken, and for your birthday I will get you a five-hundred-dollar bottle of scotch. I don’t care what it takes, I will—because that is what I do as your best friend. I won’t make you a chick like she is.”
“I am not making him a chick,” Willow said. “I’m enhancingh is appreciation of his unexplored feminine side—the yin to his yang. Don’t listen to his outdated closed-minded ideas.”
Tank waved a forkful of the chicken in front of Roan’s face and then took a bite himself. “Yes, listen to me. Chicken, veal, lamb, steak, beef. You can get some ass somewhere else. It isn’t this.”
Willow huffed. “Are you seriously considering eating flesh over me?”
Clarissa was nodding vigorously, signaling it was time for the finishing blow.
That was when he understood the goal of the entire farce. It wasn't enough to make Tank hate Willow. The girls were committed to a full public screaming breakup that reduced the chances Tank would ever bother them to zero.
They'd constructed a perfect tailored psychological attack strategy, needling Tank at every turn until he supplied the ammunition they needed.
“Well,” Roan hesitated for a few deliberate seconds, trusting the ladies had already had a prepared response.
“Oh my God!” Willow shrieked. “I can't believe you have to think about it!”
“You're putting me on the spot. Can't we have a talk in private?” Roan hoped this was in line with their plan.
“Absolutely not! That's it. We are through.” She dramatically slapped the fork out of Tank's hand and hoofed it to her coat. “I will not stand here and be insulted by unenlightened neanderthals like you and him. Come on Clarissa! We’re leaving.”
Pretending to be embarrassed, Clarissa shrugged and followed her roommate. “Thanks for coming! Drew, call me later.”
“He'll do no such thing if he knows what's good for him!” Tank yelled back.
Roan decided he should at least make an attempt to convince his non-girlfriend otherwise. “Willow Branch, can we talk about this? It was a one time moment of doubt. A slip up!”
“Liar. You've probably never stopped eating meat. Forget my name. Forget my number. Forget we dated. I hate you.” Willow declared, shoving Clarissa out the door, and exiting with a full dramatic door slam.
Thus ended Clarissa's twenty-seventh birthday party.
CHAPTER 23
Willow and Clarissa waited in Clarissa’s grey Toyota Corolla two blocks away from Roan’s house.
Drew had called them ten minutes earlier and relayed the breakup of the party. From Willow's commentary, Tristan had yelled for a while, and the rest of the party attendees took all the food, which Tristan had equated with 'energy-sucking vegan poison.'
Then Drew arrived at their location and traded Clarissa's birthday presents for Willow.
