“You’re still a virgin?” she asked, her once petrified face turning to amusement, relief, or maybe both. “I’ll admit, I wondered,” she added.
The conversation felt gross so I didn’t answer her follow-upyou’re still a virginquestion. “This is about someone else,” I stated, thinking I might be confusing her, like when someone asks questions for someone else when it’s really for them. “But it’s also about me,” I quickly corrected. “Just not me and Jen.”
“Okay.”
I went straight to it, pardon the pun. “I think I might be gay,” I said matter-of-factly. “Actually, I am gay,” I clarified.
Her face didn’t register shock, disappointment, or any of the expected reactions. Of course, this wasmymother. There wouldn’t be any condemnation or lectures about disgraceful lifestyle choices. Mom had the adage that all love was good. If it was love, and if that love was pure of heart, it was a good love.
“I’m so happy you’re able to trust me with your true self,” she said.
“I think I might like someone,” I stated.
“And am I to assume that I’d be correct about whom you may be feeling this way?” she asked, doing her absolute best to check off in her mind the most thoughtful and kind words she could employ in our discussion so as not to offend me.
“I think you can guess.”
“And does he know you’re having these feelings?”
“Yes, I told him today,” I said, pushing my hair out of my eyes. I needed a haircut but apparently this shaggy look was all the rage for high school boys. And that’s what I was, a high school boy. “I may have freaked him out,” I admitted. “Said some dumb shit.”
“First off, Michael. What’s with the language? You are not an adult and this is my house, so knock it off please.”
Being spoken to like a teenager by your mother was a strange feeling when you went through it once before and hoped you’d picked up a lesson or two along the road all these years later.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
We stared at each other, her studying me carefully. I knew what she was doing too. This was her deciding in her mind about how to proceed. This was the mother who was careful about every serious conversation she had or decisions she made. My mother hated when parents demanded their children be something they aren’t or attempted to dictate their lives.
“Seems like you’re serious, son,” she began. “And of course, I’ll support any decision you make if the commitment from you is there.”
“Thanks,” I whispered, still staring into her green eyes, eyes Dad had said had the power for life or death depending on how she looked at you. Today, her gaze was brimming with love. I’d come to expect that from my mother. Witnessing her amazing capacity for love for the second time as a child made the pain of her death hit me suddenly.
I gulped down my emotions and blinked back the tears. “Remember how I said I felt indifferent about me and Jen a couple minutes ago?” I asked.
She nodded.
“I feel differently about Coop. I don’t know when it happened, Mom.”That was a lie, I knew.
“Different than you did yesterday or different than you do about Jennifer? Because this seems kind of sudden, Michael. Unless, of course, you’ve been thinking about everything for a while.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a really long time,” I said, and that was the truth.A decade or so was a long time, wasn’t it?“And I fuc . . . I mean, I messed up pretty good out there earlier.” I jacked my thumb to the front yard.
“Yeah, I didn’t miss your mood when you came in,” she stated, nodding, inflating her cheeks before letting the air out slowly while she thought about my words. “What exactly did you say to him?”
“I told him I was finallygiving in to him.”
Mom’s eyes widened and she exhaled, sucking in her cheeks this time. She was surprised by my indelicate comment too.
“Bad, right?” I asked, biting my lower lip.
“Yikes,” she said, shaking her head slowly. “Not your finest hour, Michael. Is that what you’re doing? Are you giving in to him?”
“No, of course not. I was just mad because he wasn’t listening to me.”
“Listening to you about what?” she asked.
“He was saying I’ve been acting weird or grown up all of a sudden. He thinks I’m hiding something because I’ve been odd these days.”
