I tried talking to my mom about it, hoping she’d understand should I choose an alternative to my current plans, and maybe let her know why I’d grown so apprehensive about college and the reasons behind my lack of enthusiasm when she becomes excited about some minor detail. Like the student center equipped with a pool table and pinball machine or the Target within walking distance from my dorm. But when I tried to tell her how the impending changes to my life after graduation made me feel like there was a never-ending hamster wheel squeaking away in my insides, I’d clam up. I couldn’t explain it to her.
I was better at keeping my emotions under control before moving down here. I was able to breathe through the nerves that left me on edge. I was able to isolate myself in my room, listen to music, go for a drive, and it would be enough. But now, I feel like I’m constantly chasing after normal. It’ll be at my fingertips, I’ll touch it and maybe even grasp it, and then it’ll inch further and further away as soon as the dread of the future washes over me. And it leaves me feeling like my skin is crawling and my insides are going to spill outside of me.
I keep asking myself, what’s changed? What’s brought on this sudden dread of having to leave my new home? I realize it’s this shift. When I’m here, not thinking about what’s to come, I don’t feel like I’m on edge anymore. I feel grounded and…normal for a change. And it’s all because of Teeny. She’s become this unexpected anchor, holding me down instead of letting me drift off into the unknown where things are dark and scary.
It’s easy to forget about the future. In my room, where Teeny’s scent lingers on my bed. Short moments after school before her parents come home from work and long hours on the weekend when my mom’s out, we lie in bed. Our hands always touching each other, our clothes strewn on the floor, and I wish time could stop. Just so I could stay grounded a little longer. So I don’t have to release the anchor holding me down.
With plans to see Teeny tonight, and hopefully get some of that alone time I’ve been craving more of lately, I hop in the shower. My phone rings on my nightstand just as I’m getting out with a towel wrapped around my waist. I reach for it and see Diana’s number pop up on the caller ID.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hi. It’s me,” Teeny answers from the other end. Her voice sounds meek and scared. “Um, can you meet me at the diner?”
“Oh, are you not going back home?”
“I—I’m here at Diana’s. We were just…I’m going to leave in about an hour or so,” she answers, her voice still low and distracted. “I’m…can you just meet me there? And we can go to the party after, I guess.”
“Sure,” I tell her, doing a mental count of our change of plans before heading to Jake’s pre-spring break party. “I just got out of the shower, and my mom needed me to get a few things at the store before I head out.”
“That’s fine. If I get there before you, I’ll just wait.”
There’s a pause between our back and forth. I hear her sigh a heavy breath. It sounds shaky and tense.
“Is everything okay?”
“Mh-hmm,” she answers. “I’ll just talk to you later.”
“Okay.” I hang up my phone, tossing it on my bed. I start to play out a dozen different scenarios in my head, worried that I may have done something wrong. Something that may have upset Teeny. My movements become hurried, wanting to get to her sooner than later. As soon as I’m dressed, I reach for my keys and wallet and head out the door. Just as I land at the bottom of the stairs, I hear my mom’s tense voice coming from the kitchen.
“Eddie, what are you talking about?”
I halt my steps, turning to the kitchen instead.
“Oh my god.” My mom’s voice sounds completely devastated. Like the ground beneath her gave out from under her. “Oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening.”
My entire body freezes, and my feet are bolted to the hard floor at the doorway leading into the kitchen. My mom’s back is to me, and I can see the fear and pain ripple through her whole body.
“Eddie, how could you do this to us? You have a family. What am I going to tell Everett?!”
She starts to sob, her cries wailing through the emptiness of the house. Her body sags, and I reach out to her just as she collapses to the floor. She doesn’t even seem to notice that I’m there, but she leans into my chest as I guide her to the ground slowly.
“Mom,” I call. Her face is buried in her hands, and I don’t know if she hears me. I’m right next to her, my voice right up against her ear, and I don’t know if she even realizes that I’m here.
I take the phone she’s dropped to the ground. “Dad?”
“Everett,” he answers. “Is your mom okay?”
“What happened? What did you do?”
“Let me talk to your mom.”
“Dad, tell me what happened!” I feel like my insides are thudding and pounding. My heart is beating so hard and fast that it rattles through my entire body.
He sighs through the line and my anger toward him starts to simmer. “Look, I wanted to tell you with your mom, but…I guess you need to know sooner than later. I met someone here.”
A numbness starts to course through my body.
“And I just found out she’s pregnant.”
