“That’s awesome.”
“His boyfriend tricked him into dating him. It’s less romantic than it sounds.”
“Fuck you. He wasn’t . . . There’s more to it than that.” He glares at his friend. “Mark loves me very much, and he was never forced to love me,” he says to me.
“Maybe he is training me,” Jamie muses. “He does give me treats if I behave.” He thinks. “I haven’t said one mean thing to Mark all day, and Noah sat on my face when we got back from getting the tree. I didn’t fight with Xavi during Sunday dinner last week, and when we got back he blew me.”
“You are so far gone, man.” Hunter grabs the bowl off the table, taking another hit. “You’re cut off. Sober Jamie will thank me.” I sip my beer, amused at these two. I like hanging out with them.
“His tongue is like a magic wand,” Jamie sighs. “So . . .” Jamie leans forward, steepling his fingers. “What happened back there? What’s going on? Talk to us.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You know it sucks not having anyone to talk to, and if I’m wrong, correct me, but it seems like the person you need to talk about is the only person you even talkto.” I hate that he’s right.
“I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.”
“Hunter,” Jamie says. “Are we fucking invisible?”
“No, I think we’re real.”
Jamie puts his hand out, checking whether he can see it. There’s no way I’m unloading on a stranger, even if I’m just starting to get to know them. The last thing I want to do is scare them away.You’re too much.
“I’m not going to unload on you guys like that.”
“Because you don’t want to, or because you feel like your own feelings, thoughts, and fears are a burden to everyone around you? You’re so used to Bo, though, that you use him as your outlet. And you’re so used to him being there that you don’t think twice about it, because not a single fucking person besides him has ever given a fuck about you or treated you like were worth something. That’s why you’re terrified of losing him, because without him, who the fuck even are you?”
“What the fuck?!”
“He’s very insightful when he’s high.” Hunter shakes his head. “And gross.”
“How do you even know that?”
“I had a Bowen once. Her name was Luci, and meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was the best friend I could ever have asked for. She was my first actual friend, the first person who really saw me. I didn’t think I could live without her.”
“What happened?”
Jamie scrubs a hand down his face, the humor draining from his complexion in real time. “I was forced to live without her.”
“She’s Xavi’s sister. She died in a car accident,” Hunter says softly.
“The one you were in?” I ask Jamie. He nods, and my stomach sinks.
When I think about losing Bo, it’s always from something I did. But losing him that way has never even crossed my mind.
“I was so alone, and I just lost three people I cared about—my best friend, my sister, and yes, Hunter, even my girlfriend.” He glares at him.
“I wasn’t going to say anything. That’s your business.”
“What . . . what are you talking about?”
Jamie’s quiet for a moment. “I was dating someone. I was planning on breaking it off. I didn’t even want her in that fucking car.” Jamie’s eyes turn to glass. “I didn’t want her there, but she insisted, and now she’s gone.” He looks at Hunter. “I don’t even blame Ari for lashing out at me. I almost wish I could talk to her.”
“Don’t open that door,” Hunter warns.
“I know, but . . . I don’t know. I didn’t handle shit well, and I know she lost her sister. Her parents are fucking assholes, and I can’t imagine what she’s gone through since. It’s like you said yourself. She lost someone too, and she doesn’t have what we do.”
“And what do we have?” I ask.
