I keep my head down to hide the tears I know are still shining in my eyes. “Hi. I was just leaving.”
“No worries. How is everything going with your latest article?” She keeps her hands lightly gripping mine, like she knows I need the extra support.
“Fine, I guess.” I shuffle my feet, anxious to be in my car, music and AC blasting.
Her voice softens. “And how are you feeling about, you know...?”
“I’m pretty sure I’m already over Evan. He and I really weren’t compatible, so it was a good thing in the long run.” I look everywhere but at her.
“And how are you feeling about Seth?” Tessa finally drops her hands.
I miss their warmth and steadiness almost immediately. “There’s nothing to feel. All of that is in the past.”
She gives me a soft smile. “Okay. Well, I’m here. When you’re ready.”
“Thanks.” I force myself to return her smile before I stride to my car.
My phone buzzes with a text before I can even close my door.
Seth:Hope everything is okay.
Seth:Thanks for the profile. It’s perfect.
I shove my key in the ignition. Because it’s not perfect. It’s just honest.
Me:Just because I don’t hate you doesn’t mean we’re friends.
I regret the text almost the second it’s sent. But it’s out there, and despite several attempts, I don’t know what else to say to soften the blow.
I scoff to myself, luckily in the privacy of my car. Why do I need to soften the blow? I might be able to forgive Seth for his many past transgressions, but that doesn’t mean we’re now BFFs. I have plenty of BFFs already. I don’t need another one.
R2-D2 chirps, pulling me out of my inner debate.
Seth:I know.
I wait for another text to come through, but nothing else appears. No typing bubbles hover in my messages. And as unsatisfactory as his two-word response might seem, Iappreciate it. There’s no demand for friendship. No declaration of an attempt to wear me down. Just an acknowledgment.
It’s exactly what I needed.
I spend the first few minutes of my drive replaying everything from my previous session with Dr. Lawson. She wanted me to think about why I was really so willing to put myself through this challenge, to complete the tasks Seth set for me. Of course I want to win—I want the new column position—but I think I also want to push myself, to see what I can be without a partner constantly standing by my side.
I know if I head straight home right now, I’m likely to spiral, caught up in either the what-has-beens or the what-could-bes, and neither would have a good outcome. So instead I drive to one of my happy places, a tiny vintage movie theater in Los Feliz.
After scoring a sweet parking space, I buy a ticket for the latest Marvel release, treat myself to some popcorn, and settle into a slightly sticky seat. I’ve already seen the movie—on opening night, of course—but these films provide a comfort I’m desperately seeking, and for the next two and a half hours, all I have to worry about is defeating the bad guys and saving the day, with the reassurance it will all be okay in the end.
It’s a balm to my soul.
When I finally do arrive back at home, it’s evening and the sky is blanketed in pinks and oranges. It’s magic hour in LA, so I take my laptop out to my tiny backyard and open up my blog. And I write. I write about letting go of the past,and finding solace in places that might seem strange, and how I used to lose myself in the pages of books and images on-screen. How I used to lose myself in other people. And how I don’t want to do that moving forward.
I save the blog post as a draft before shutting my computer. Normally I don’t hesitate to publish posts, but this one feels too personal, too raw, even if the only people who read my site are my closest friends. For a brief second, I consider sending it to Seth. Of all the people in my life right now, he’s really the only one who would truly understand my feelings. He knows where my solaces came from and why.
But I dismiss the thought as easily as it came. Seeing Seth in the office today, falling back into our old banter patterns, it might have been fun, but it can’t happen again. It’d be too easy to continue that slide, fall back into not just patterns but feelings. And too much has happened between us; I can’t let myself go there, even in my head.
Seth Carson is my past. And this assignment, this project, this competition, is all about looking toward the future.
14
It’s not always easy, putting all your personal stuff out there on the internet for the whole world to see.
