I don’t seeSeth in person for a few days after that, not that that prevents him from being a constant presence in my brain. I may or may not have shown up at the office every day this week, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Which is why when I met with Dr. Lawson again she was finally able to force me to talk about Seth.
Okay, so I opened my mouth and blurted it all out the second I sat down on the sofa, but it felt like she metaphorically pushed me in that direction.
And while it felt good to word-vomit all my convoluted feelings out into the ether better known as her office,I didn’t exactly leave with a ton of clarity. Clearly, I don’tnothave feelings for Seth. And to expect otherwise would be silly. He was a huge part of my life and those kinds of relationships leave a lasting imprint, even long after they’ve ended.
The problem is I don’t know how I feel about Seth in the here and now. He still makes me laugh. He’s still kind and loyal. He still cares about his family and does a good job of taking care of those around him. He still embodies so many of the things I want in a partner.
And he’s still absolutely drop-dead fucking gorgeous. And judging from the sparks ignited by a mere thirty seconds of hand-holding, I’m still very much into him. Physically speaking.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I am not ready to be in a relationship. With anyone. And it most definitely doesn’t change the fact that Seth broke my heart once already and then stomped on it again ten years later, just for good measure.
When I asked the doc what I should do about Seth, she gave me the standard I-can’t-answer-that-for-you line, which, of course, did nothing to help me in the immediate sense. And now here I am, putting the finishing touches on my look for the evening, waiting for May to arrive so we can go hunting for a stranger. A stranger for me to kiss.
I really do need to work on my timing.
I adjust the neckline of my little black dress, pulling it down just a smidge, right as R2-D2 chirps, letting me know May is out front. I lock up my house and bound to the passenger door of her Mini Cooper.
She whistles as I slide in the front seat. “Damn, girl. You look hot.”
I’m tempted to brush off her compliment, but instead I decide to accept it. “Thanks, you too, but no surprises there.”
“Where to?”
I give May directions as we take off; I’ve thought long and hard about where my stranger-hunting safari will take place. We listen to Britney extra loud as she drives us through the city and to the Sunset Strip. As we get closer to our destination, May starts to give me the side-eye.
I direct her to a lot and fork over twenty dollars in cash to park. Climbing out of the car, I take my time to adjust my dress and use my reflection in the window to touch up my lip gloss.
May circles the car and watches me with her hands on her hips. “Lana, please tell me we are going to one of these swanky-ass hotel bars and not where I think we’re going.”
I link my arm through hers and guide her out of the parking lot. We don’t have to go far before she can see where we’re headed and she stops in her tracks, pulling me to a halt next to her.
“Lana.” This time she crosses her arms over her chest, which does more to boost her va-va-voom appearance than the simple gesture ever could for me. “Explain. Now.”
“We’re going to a bar so I can find a stranger to kiss. Also so that I can buy your promised round of drinks for accompanying me to boxing.”
“It’s been over a week and my ass is still sore, so you’ll bebuying more than my first round. But I will not be distracted by the lure of free drinks.”
I tug on her arm to pull her away from the middle of the sidewalk. “My task is to kiss a stranger. So we’re going to a bar, which is likely full of strangers.”
“We’re going to a dive bar, LP. It is one of my favorite dive bars, but a dive bar nonetheless.” She throws her arms up in dramatic frustration. “This place is filled with tourist bros. You are not going to find someone suitable—or sober—to kiss here and you know it.”
“Excuse me, we come to this bar all the time. Are we not suitable? Besides, I’m not looking for Prince Charming here. Just a pair of lips.” I loop my arm back through hers and pull her down the road a bit, till we reach Cabo Cantina.
Which is in fact a dive—a dive full of the kinds of guys I could never be attracted to. Which may or may not have been my intention.
It also hasn’t escaped my notice that I brought us to the very bar I pointed out to Seth on our tour, like somehow having that measly shared experience with him created some sort of magnetic pull between me and the Cantina.
Once we’re inside, May leads me directly to the bar. “I’m going to pretend you picked this spot so you don’t become emotionally attached to your kissee and not because you’re secretly hoping you won’t find someone to kiss.” She gives me one of thoseI’m not mad, I’m disappointedlooks.
I know she’s trying to help, but it cuts me like a knife. I’d rather be just about anything other than a disappointment.
“What’ll it be, friends?” An extremely attractive bartender tosses two coasters our way and looks at us expectantly.
“Margaritas. Big ones. She’s buying.” May jabs her index finger into my shoulder. Hard.
“Ow.”
“That is the least of what you deserve.”
